This town is messed up
by Anonymous Fanz
Summary: Misadventures of a family in South Park which finds themselves occasionally in the madness expected from being a character in South Park. Most chapters will be based on episodes, but some will completely original.
1. Cartman was anal probed

**I created this character a long time ago, and forgot about him for some time. Out of boredom, I have decided to work on his story. I don't own South Park, I only own the Henderson's.**

...

Shortly after the bus stopped, something flew through two windows. "Holy crap!" Jack yelled, amazed that he wasn't injured by any of the shattered glass that fell on him, and confused at what happened. "What? What happened?" His sister Ellie asked. "Good morning Ms Crabtree." Stan said. "Sit down! We're runnin' late!" Ms Crabtree shouted. "I was that a football?" Jack asked. "I dunno. I was sleeping." Ellie replied. "No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me." Kyle said, worried. "Sit down back there! Arrrggghhh!" Miss Crabtree yelled. "Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch." Stan said. "What did you say?!" She asked. "I said I have a bad itch." Stan lied. "Oh."

"Oh my god!" Kyle said. "Visitors!" Stan yelled. "Ike! Stop the bus! Ms Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!" Kyle yelled as he ran to the front of the bus. "Do you want an office referral?" Ms Crabtree asked. "No." Kyle answered. "Then sit down!" She yelled. "But I—" "Arrgggh!" "Arrggh!" "Arrgghhh!" Kyle returned to his seat. "Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?" Stan asked. "Cartman saw visitors?" Ellie asked, looking out the window. "Oh wow. They're taking some little kid." She observed. "Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us." Stan said."What did you say?!"

"Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce." Stan lied. "Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do." Ms Crabtree said, before turning a hard right. Jack flew over to the other side of the bus. "Ow!" Ellie began laughing. The Boys started laughing for a completely different reason.

...

"And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus." Mr Garrison said. "That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492..." Mr Hat continued to ramble nonsense. "I have to see the Visitors." Ellie whispered. "Then wait a few hours to leave school." Jack said. ""You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?""

"Dude!" Stan yelled. "Is there a problem boys?" Mr Garrison asked. "Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now." Kyle said. "Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?" Mr Garrison asked. "No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens." Ellie began laughing, realizing what she witnessed earlier. "It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe." Kyle said. Ellie began laughing harder. "Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh." Cartman said. "Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!" Kyle said, angrily. "Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat." Mr .Garrison insisted. "Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?" Kyle asked. "Well, Kyle, no! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!" Mr. hat yelled. " Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle." Mr. Garrison said. "Damn it!" Kyle yelled. "You probably should have just spoken to him from the beginning." Jack said. Ellie started laughing again.

"Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you." Cartman said. Suddenly, he fire came out of his butt. "Ow my ass!" He yelled. "Dude!" Kyle exclaimed. "Damn Cartman!" Stan shouted. "Uh, Ow my ass!" Cartman yelled, as more Fire came out. "Dude, he's farting fire!" Kyle exclaimed. "It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!" Stan said. "I don't think anal probes are supposed to do that!" Ellie said. "No, that was just a dream." Cartman said. "Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?" Mr. Garrison asked. "No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine." Cartman said, before lighting Pip on fire. Ellie fell out of her seat laughing.

...

"We have to find a way to get out of class and see what the visitors are doing!" Ellie said. "No we don't. You just want to skip class." Jack said. "Yeah, so I can see the Visitors!" She said. Suddenly, a fire alarm went off. "Uh, I think Cartman burned another student." Jack said. "Let's get out of here, so we can find Visitors!" Ellie said, running away. "Dammit!" Jack said, before following her.

...

Jack find Ellie, near to a flying saucer. "Look!" She said, pointing to it. It shot Kenny. "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. "You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!" Kyle yelled. "Hey, Kenny survived!" Jack said. Suddenly, cows ran over him. "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!" He yelled. "No they didn't." Ellie said, as Kenny got up, to be hit by a car. "Now they've killed Kenny." She said. "You bastard!" Jack yelled. Everyone walked to Kenny's dead body.

"Wow, Poor Kenny." Stan said. "Now do you believe us, Cartman?" Kyle asked. "No!" Cartman answered. "Cartman, they killed Kenny!" Stan said. "Those Bastards!" Jack added. "He's not dead." Cartman said. "Yes he is." Ellie kicked Kennys corpse. "Shut up, you guys!" Cartman said. Ellie kicked Kenny's head off. "Doesn't get much deader than that." She said. "God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home." Cartman said, as he left. "Go on and go home, you fat chicken!" Stan yelled.

"Dildo!" Eric yelled back. "Well, The aliens are gone. I'm going home now." Jack said. "Seriously?! After what they did to Kenny!" Ellie asked. Jack ignored her. "You're all I have left, Stan." Kyle said. "Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger." Stan said. "Right now?!" Ellie asked. "You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!" Kyle begged. Rats started eating Kenny "Hey get off of him!" Ellie yelled. They began dragging away the body. "Rats." Kyle said.

...

"As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns." The news said. "Hey, that looks like that one kid from your school!" Leonard Henderson said to his son. "What?!" Jack said, running to look. He saw Cartman shaped cross circles. "Oh. Must be some stuff about his anal probe." Jack said. "Anal probe?" Leo asked. "Yeah. Some aliens probed him in the butt last night." Jack said. "Huh. Sucks to be him." Leonard said.

...

"...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed." Kyle finished. "Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?" Wendy asked. "Why?" Kyle asked. "Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back." Wendy said. "Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman." Kyle said. "Come on, Stan!" Wendy said. Stan vomited. "Eew!" Wendy said. "Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?" Stan asks._  
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...

"Eric, look who's here." Liane Cartman said. "Dude, weak mom." Cartman said. "Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop." Kyle said. "I can't. My mom said—" "That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends." Liane interrupted. "But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends—" Cartman whispered. "Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow." "God damn it!" Mr. Kitty ran while burning. "Uh, I think we should leave." Ellie said.

...

"You guys, I have to get home." Cartman said. "Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again." Kyle said. "Oh man, this sucks." Cartman tried to pull his leg free. "How come the visitors aren't coming for him?" Kyle asked. Cartman farted. "Ow!" "Hey, he's like Rudolph." Wendy said. "Cartman the fatassed reindeer!" Ellie shouted. "Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!"

"Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight." Cartman lied. "Sure you do!" Kyle said. "Come Cartman, fart!" Stan shouted. "I don't wanna!" He shouted. "You will eventually!" Ellie said. "Fart damn you!" Kyle yelled. "Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!" Cartman yelled, as the anal probe created a satellite. "I'm sick of it! It's completely immature."

"Hey, it's happening again." Stan said. "Whoa, look at that!" Kyle said. "It's fucking huge!" Ellie yelled. "Now, do you believe this, Cartman?" Stan asked. "You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up." Cartman said. "He's in denial. or something." Ellie said. Leonard Henderson looked out his window. "Oh shit! Their here!" he ran to see the Vistors before they leave. "Jack, you can do what ever you want until I get back!" He yelled, as he left.

"Come down here, you stinking aliens!" Kyle yelled. Three teleported. "Uh–Uh..." Kyle stammered. "Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back." Stan said. "Vi–Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing." Kyle said. "Yeah." Stan said. "Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again." Kyle said.

"Dude, they're leaving." Ellie said. "Hey, you scrawny-eyed [Redacted], what the [Redacted] is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of [Redacted] [Redacted] to be able to ignore a crying child!" Kyle yelled. "Whoa dude!" Stan exclaimed. "You know what you [Redacted] like! You like to [Redacted] and [Redacted] and [Redacted] and [Redacted] and [Redacted] and [Redacted]!"

"Hey Wendy, what's a [Redacted]?" Stan asked. Wendy shrugged. "Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!" Kyle yelled. "Don't hurt me." Ike said. "Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!" Kyle said. "Don't kick the baby." Ike said. "Hey, the aliens only wanted to talk to the cows!" Ellie yelled. "Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!" Kyle yelled. "It's my turn!" Ike said, as he jumped off of the satellite, landing in the snow. "You guys, get me down from here!" Carthan yelled. He lit the rope on fire. "Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!" Cartman yelled, as he got abducted. "Well, I'm going home now." Ellie said.


	2. Oh hey Kenny

Me: My first original chapter! Not as long as the last chapter.

Kenny: *Muffled Disclaimer*

Me: Let's do this!

...

"Oh hey, Kenny." Jack said as he saw Kenny. across the street. "Wait a minute? Something doesn't seem right." Ellie said. "What?" Jack asked. "I don't know. It feels like Kenny shouldn't be here for some reason." Ellie said. "I really don't care. I'm going to get ice cream." Jack said. Ellie remembered Kenny being shot by the aliens. "Wait, Kenny!"

"Mh hm?" Kenny replied. "Shouldn't you be in the hospital or something, after getting shot by those aliens last week." She asked. "Mh nm." Kenny said some stuff about how he was actually dead. "I think I would remember if you died." Ellie said. Kenny began crossing the street, when he suddenly got hit by a car. "Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!" Ellie yelled. "You bastard!" Somebody else yelled.

...

"Oh hey, Kenny." Jack said, as Kenny got on the bus. "Wait a minute, Shouldn't Kenny be in a hospital or something after getting hit by that car yesterday?" Ellie asked. "What car?" Jack asked. "You were buying ice cream while it happened." Ellie said. As the bus turned, Kenny fell through a window. "Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. "You bastards!" Kyle yelled.

...

"Oh hey Kenny." Jack said. "Ok, is it me, or is Kenny healing form life threatening injuries suspiciously fast?" Ellie asked. "What do you mean?" Jack asked. "He survived near fatal injuries. So bad they look as if...Kenny actually...died." Ellie said, trailing off. "I'm pretty sure they were ever that serious." Jack said. "I think Kenny is actually dying!" Ellie said. "That doesn't make any sense. If he died, we wouldn't have seen him a minute ago." Jack said. "I think Kenny is somehow coming back from the dead. Or being cloned. Or something." Ellie said.

"That's doesn't make any sense. People would remember Kenny dying." Jack said. "What if they didn't. Kenny could come back to life, and no one would realkize it." Ellie said. "Even if your right, how are you going to prove it?" Jack asked.

...

Kenny woke up to see Ellie trying to kill him with a broken piece of glass. "Woah, what the [Redacted]!" He jump out of his bed. "If I kill you, I can prove you are actually dying multiple times!" Ellie said. "I am coming back to dying repeatedly!" Kenny yelled. "What?" Ellie asked. "I keep dying, and I don't know why!" Kenny said. "Oh. So I didn't have to kill you." Ellie said. "No!" Suddenly, rats began eating Kenny. "Wait, I didn't kill him yet!" They left only Kenny's bones. "Rats."

...

Kenny enter the school bus the next day. "Oh hey Kenny!" Jack said, again. "I had this weird dream where I was going to kill Kenny, then he got eaten by rats." Ellie said. Kenny said something about how that actually happened. "What? Are you sure. I think I would remember you being eaten by rats." Ellie said. "Goddamnit!" Kenny yelled. He fell from his seat and hit his head, which he bled out of. "Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. "You bastards!" Kyle yelled. "Wait a minute!" Ellie yelled. "Why don't we have seat belts?! Kenny keeps almost dying because we don't have any!"


	3. Some Fat kid is going to be on TV

Me: Another episode. Another chapter based on one.

Mr. Garrison: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for those retards Jack and Ellie.

Me: Hey! Only one of them is a retard!

...

"Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month?...One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize." Mr. Garrison announced. "Wow, I knew I would win." Wendy said. "Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting." Mr. Hat said. "That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... Eric Cartman."

"What?" Both Wendy and Cartman exclaimed in reaction to the news. "Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper." Mr. Garrison said. "Kick ass!" Eric's replied. "That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a pop tart." Stan said. "Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted." Cartman said. "Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner." Mr. Garrison said. "Wow, what did you write about Cartman?" Kyle asked.

"Oh, you know, this and that." Cartman said. "He doesn't even know what he wrote about!" Wendy shouted. "What did you write about?" Ellie asked. "My paper was on the suffering of bottlenose dolphins." Wendy said. "There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid." Cartman said. "Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet." Stan said. "'Second best ain't worth crap.' That's what my grandpa says." Ellie said.

"Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford." Mr. Garrison said. "Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?" Kyle exclaimed. "And the presentation will be on national television." Mr. Garrison said. "Wow. This must be a big deal." Jack said, blankly.

...

"Children, as you all know, Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay." The mayor said. "That kid was me." Cartman said. "Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park." The mayor said. "That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison said. "Kill her." Mr. Garrison whispered something to his puppet. "Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play."

"Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her." Mr. Garrison said. "I think Mr. Garrison is going to do something bad." Ellie whispered to Jack. "Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated." Wendy said. "Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best... And who's our little prize winner again?"

"Me! Eric Cartman!" Eric shouted. "How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?" The mayor said. "Yes ma'am. I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television." Cartman said. "Tomorrow is going to be a long day." Jack said.

...

"Look! Cartman's become so fat he can't even get on the bus!" Ellie said. "Wow. He upgraded to extra large fatass." Jack said. "Shut up! Your just jealous of my buff body!" Cartman said. "You at least could have exercised while you increased your weight!" Jack yelled.

...

"Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage." Stan, Kyle, Ellie, and some others did so. "Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage." Jack, Kenny, and others went to the center. "Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?" Clyde asked. "Your an Indian!" Ellie yelled. "Oh." Clyde went to the center. "Okay Bebe, this is your line." Mr. Garrison said. "This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land. Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers."

The pioneers began attacking the Indians, pretending to beat them with their weapons. A teepee fell, blocking Kenny from the audiences view. "Oh my god!" "They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy." "The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands." One kid landed next to Bebe. Butters began beating up Pip. "Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford." The mayor said. "Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days."

"It's either that or stuff about slavery. This isn't racist." Jack said. "Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!" The mayor yelled. "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!" Mr. Garrison shouted. "I knew something like this would happen!" Ellie said. "Oh my God, what have I said?" "He said 'To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!'" Leonard shouted. People began booing. "Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play."

...

"God damn, that's a big fat ass!" Leonard said as he saw Cartman. "Woah. He upgraded to super extra large fatass!" Ellie shouted. "Hey!"

...

"Nice gun, Mr. Garrison. Careful not to hurt anybody." Leonard said to Mr. Garrison. "Thanks. Hey Leonard, If you were going to shoot Kathie Lee Giffor, where would you do it?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I would try the book depository. Not that I'm thinking of shooting her." Leonard said. "Ok. Thanks Leonard." Mr. Garrison said. "Hey! No pictures!" Leonard grabbed a guy's camera. "Barbrady! This guy is taking pictures!"

...

"It's about to start!" Jack yelled. "It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park." The mayor said. "Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of a, a humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy."

"He's stalling so Cartman can get on stage isn't he." Jack said. "Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you down. And lick every inch of your body with my tongue." Chef sang. "This is going to be a long day." Jack said. " Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song." Leonard started laughing. "Should have checked to see what he was singing before he started!" He said. "God bless you Kathie Lee!" Chef yelled as he was dragged offstage. "Wait a minute. What's that in the background." Leonard remembered earlier When he saw Mr. Garrison

"Oh crap!" He ran outside. "And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kaufman—" "Cartman, God damn it!" Eric yelled. "Wait a minute! Is that a gun?!" Ellie yelled. "Where?" Jack asked. "To the—He moved the camera out of its view!" Ellie yelled. "Or you saw nothing." Jack said. "It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?" Kathie Lee Gifford said. "I don't think the stage can handle Cartman standing on it." Ellie said. It suddenly broke, sending Kathie Lee Gifford into the air.

A bullet hit Kenny right before he got impaled by a flag. "Oh my god! Mr. Garrison killed that kid!" Leonard yelled. "You bastard!" Kyle yelled. "Well that ended quicker than it should have, I have no complaints!" Jack said.


	4. Football

Me: I am back! And I'm working on a lot of different things I haven't done in a while.

Stan: Uh, am I supposed to read the sign now?

Me: Not yet. I am considering accepting OCs, but for now, I have no garrantee of anything. I currently am accepting OCs for another fanfic, but once that's done, I might start accepting OCs for this fanfic. Maybe.

Stan: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for Jack and his family.

...

"Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against the Middle Park." Chef said. "Not really." Jack said. "But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile." Chef said. "What?" Jack asked. "Now, let's start practice."_  
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"Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut." "Hike the dman ball!" Cartman hikes it over Stan's head. As he goes after it, Kyle runs into Pip, bashing his unhelmeted skull open. "Wow. That has to hurt. Should we do something?" Jack said. He continued to play, ignoring Chef's conversation with Leonard and Jimbo. "Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow."

"Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?" Kyle asked. "Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart." Stan said. "Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time." Clyde said. "Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your—" Sparky began screwing Rex. "Sparky get down!"

"Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?" Clyde asked. "Uh, I'm not sure if I should tell you." Jack said. "Get down Sparky! Down!" Stan ordered. "Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual." Cartman explained. "Make him stop." Clyde said. "I'm going to leave now." Jack said.

...

"...And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television." Cartman said. "Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D-" Mr. Garrison said. "Ah, Dammit!" Eric said, as he sat down. "Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?" Mr. Garrison said. "Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?" "Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next."

"Um, I'm not really prepared either." Stan said. "Well, just make something up, like Eric did." Mr. Garrison said. "Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it—" Stan said. "Excellent. A-." Mr. Garrison said. "Hey!" Cartman yelled. "Wow, cool!" Stan said. "Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an "A-"?"

"Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people." Mr. Garrison said. "That's not fair!" Cartman shouted. "Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it." Mr. Hat said. "Stupid puppet." Eric muttered, right before the bell rang. "Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan."

...

"Hey, what are you doing?" Jack asked his father. "Um, I'm looking for my keys. I think I left them near my wallet." Leonard said. "Your keys are on that drawer over there." Jack said, pointing to it. "Oh. Thanks Jack." Jack left.

...

When Jack began playing football, he noticed Stan wasn't focused at all. Jack realized, if he could replace Stan he could take his place as star athlete. "What's the matter Stan, you seem down." Chef said. "I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay." Stan said. "Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks." Chef said. "Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda." Mr. Garrison said. "Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic." Chef said. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you're gay aren't you?" Chef asked. "What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay." Mr. Garrison said. "I thought only Mr. Hat was gay." Jack said. "Shut up Jack, no one is talking to you!" Mr. Garrison said. "What's the matter dude?" Kyle asked. "I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice." Stan said. "Either he ran away, or something happened to him. Either way, I don't care much. We need to win the game!" Jack said. "Since when did you care?" Kyle asked, "Since a few minutes ago." Jack answered.

...

"Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows." Leonard, Ellie and Joel (Jack's grandpa) entered the bleachers. "Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up."

"Where the hell is he?" Leonard asked. "I never saw him today. Something about looking for his gay dog." Ellie said. "Oh. Fuck. I just lost a couple hundred dollars now." Leonard said. "Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski." Leonard walked over to Jimbo. "If I lose my 300 dollars, you will owe me!" He warned. The Cows were losing badly. "Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?!" Kyle said. "Break!"

"You guys are toast." "Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in." "Set, set." Cartamn farted. "Damn it Cartman!" Kyle ran away. "What's the matter?" Chef asked. "Cartman farted!" Kyle said. "No I didn't. That was just my shoes." Eric lied. "Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty." Chef said. "No way dude." Kyle said. "Hike the ball." Chef commanded. Kyle went back into position, using his shirt to cover his nose. "Ah, dude, weak."

"That's right, you get back there." Cartman said. "Hut!" Cartman hikes the ball. "The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes." The other team tackled Kyle. "Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter. Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King." Leonard walked back to Jimbo. "Seriously man, I better not lose any money because your nephew didn't show up today." He said. "Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe." Jimbo said.

...

"With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0." Frank said. Pip got tackled by most of the other team. "Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant." Frank said. "He didn't even have a helmet!" Ellie said. "And the South Park Cows are set to receive...There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick. He's at the 50, the 40, the 30." Two player grabbed Kenny. "Wait a minute, they can't grab another player like that!" Leonard yelled. The Cowboys killed Kenny. "Oh my god! They killed Kenny." Ellie yelled. "Those cheating bastards! Hey! Their breaking the rules! You can't kill people! They should be arrested!" Leonard yelled.

...

Since Leonard is a police officer, he ended up arresting 3 of the Cowboys team members. This changed the game very little, but now he no longer was able to watch in person, and left Ellie to see who wins of him. "And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamos' brother..."

"Alright Richard!" Jimbo shouted. "Loving you is easy cause you're beautiful -doo-n-doo-doo-doooo- Aaaaa! Aaaaa!" Richard sang, screwing up the last part. "What the hell?" Jimbo said. "He always screws the high F up." Ellie explained. Leonard returned. "Is the game over?" Leonard asked. "No, this is half time." Ellie said.

...

"And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since—" Frank was cut off. "My god. What a minute! Where is Jack!?" Leonard asked. "I don't know. He was here right before Kyle was made quarterback. I don't think I saw him other then then." Ellie said. Leonard went to Chef to see where he is. "Chef! Where is my son?" Leonard asked. "He left to find Stan." Chef said. "That doesn't make sense. Why would he..." Leonard trailed off. "Son of a bitch. He's trying to cost the game so he can replace Stan as quarterback." Leo said.

"But wouldn't it make more sense to just replace him now?" Chef asked. "No. They would still take Stan back when he returns. If Stan costs the game to find his gay dog, everyone will be mad at him, then he can make them select him a replacement for him." Leonard explained. "You really think he would do that?" Chef asked. "I know him better than anyone." Leo said. "I found Stan!" Jack said. Everyone began cheering. "Where the hell have you been Stan?!"

"I've been getting my best friend back." Stan said. "Just get in there boy!" Chef ordered! "For a second, I thought you were planning to stop Stan from returning." Leonard said to Jack. "I was, but I learned something today. If I try to be someone else—" Jack said. "Tell me later. I have a couple hundred dollars on you guys beating the spread." Leonard said.

"Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass. And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid. Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!" Joel suddenly left the bleachers. "Oh crap." Leonard said, running after him. "Touchdown!" Leonard tackles his elderly father. "The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!" Frank yelled. "Yes! I didn't lose my money!" Leo yelled. He realized that Joel vanished. "Aw crap."

...

"Speech!" The people demanded. "Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?" Frank asked. "Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys." Stan said. "Yeah alright!" "And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year!" "Woooo!" "And it's okay to be gay!" The crowd suddenly stopped cheering. "What?!" Jimbo asked. "Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing."

"What the hell is he talking about?!" Mr. Garrison asked. "Jack, where did you find him?" Leonard asked. "I found him on his way back from a gay animal sanctuary.' Jack said. "Did you know this would happen?" Leonard asked. "Not from the beginning, but when I found him, I brought him back hoping this would happen." Jack said. Leo began laughing.


	5. Genetic tampering

Me: I made myself a new profile picture. You'll know what it's supposed to be in one of my later Chapters.

Ellie: That's cool.

Me: I'm also working on that chapter already.

Ellie: Seriously? Well, we won't wait long for it. Maybe.

Me: Just do the disclaimer.

Ellie: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for the OCs!

...

"Hey. Wait a minute. What is that thing?" Ms. Crabtree yelled, looking at an elephant. "Uh, oh, this, this is, the new retarded kid." Kyle lied. "Oh—I'm sorry little girl. But you still can't get on. You have to take the special ed bus." Ms. Crabtree said. Cartman walked onto the bus. "If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say, 'Hey, you go do my laundry and—" "SIT DOWN KID!" "Yes. Ma'am." "What the hell just happened?" Ellie asked. "I don't want to know." Jack said.

...

"And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about genetic engineering." Mr. Garrison said. "That's right Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering is an exciting new science. You can splice the DNA from some animals, and make them better." Mr. Hat said. "With genetic engineering, can you make an elephant smaller?" Kyle asked. "Well, uh, ye, yes, I suppose you could. You could, splice elephant genes with a dog, or cat, or a, pot-bellied pig genes."

"That's it. I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make…pot-bellied elephants. They'd be smart like elephants, but small like pigs." Kyle said. "That'd be cool!" Stan said. "I want a pot-bellied elephant." Bebe said. "Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one." Pip said. "That's stupid." Terrence said. "Even if it fails, we could get a giant pig, which will allow us to get more pork with fewer pigs!" Ellie said. "Oh yeah, I bet I can genetically clone a whole human being before crossbreed and elephant and a pig!" Terrence said.

"You can't clone people. Clones of animals don't last long." Ellie said. "Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie. Isn't this exciting, three A+ students in a cloning war." Mr. Garrison said. "Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering lets us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes, like German people." Mr. Hat said. "Hey! I'm part German!" Jack yelled. "Shut up Jack, no one was talking to you!" Mr. Hat yelled.

...

Stan crashed through a window. "Holy crap!" Jack yelled. "Ready to go Stan?" Kyle asked. "Go where?" Stan asked. "To the Genetical Engineering Ranch." Kyle said. "So we can splice cartman's pig's DNA and the elephants!" Ellie said. "Nobody's splicin' nothing from Fluffy!" Cartman said. "I swear I'm gonna kill you Stan!" Shelly yelled. "Wow. Your sister is a bitch." Jack said. "Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like, 'Hey, listen, missy, eh, yewhy don't you go knit me sweater before I slap you in the face!'" Cartman said. "Who said that?" Shelly asked. "The fat one!" Ellie said. "Hey!"

...

"Wow, this place is creepy." Jack said. "Well, looks like nobody's home. Guess we should come back some other time." Cartman said. "I'm with Eric, something doesn't seem right about this place." Jack said. "What are you, scared?" Ellie asked. "No. I just have a bad feeling that if we go there, we will be murdered, and/or raped." Jack said. "We have to go to finish the science project." Ellie said. "Yeah, we're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together." Kyle said.

"It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you." Cartman said. "It's just a stupid pig." Kyle said. "Yeah, quit being such a baby." Stan said. "Baby?! Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl!" Cartman said. "That because you literally ran home to your mommy." Ellie said. "Hey! I'm taking my pig and…Screw you guys! I'm going home! This whole idea's stupid anyway." Cartman said.

"What the hell would you know you fat sweaty Mongoloid, you never get higher than a 'D'!" Kyle said. "Hey! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!" Cartman said. "There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!" Kyle yelled. "I'll kick you in the nuts!" Cartman threatened. "Can I help you?" A man working the GER said. Kenny closed his hood. "Uh…yeah…we want to crossbreed an elephant with a pig." Kyle said. "Brilliant idea, huge elephant-sized pigs." The man said. "Or small pig-sized elephants. Either is good." Ellie said. "Ohh, that's an even better idea. Come on in."

...

"I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering." The man said. "Eh, it's okay Fluffy, nobody's going to hurt you." Cartman assured. "I'm pretty sure it won't feel much pain, if at all." Ellie said. "It's thanks to the wonders of genetic engineering that soon there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war. I have created things that will change the world for the better. For instance, here is a monkey with four asses."

"How does that make the world better?" Kyle asked. "And here, of course, is my four assed ostrich. And my four assed mongoose." "Do you have anything besides just animals with four asses?" Stan asked. "Oh, uh, I suppose so uh. Oh yes, over here. Here I have rats splice with ducks, and gorillas spliced with mosquitos, and here I have rabbits spliced with fish to make little bunnyfish."

"Why are the ears attached with strings." Jack asked. "And over here, Swiss cheese spliced with chalk, and a beard." "I fail to see how any of what you've made helps the world." Jack said. "It is progress. Eventually, it will reach the point where it helps people." Ellie said. "Well, what about our pot-bellied elephant?" Kyle asked. "Oh. Well I'm sorry children, but, pig and elephant DNA just won't splice. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?" The man asked.

"Well, this was a enough of a waste of time. I'm not sitting around to waste more." Ellie said. "I'm sorry. Although, maybe I could help you add a few asses to that swine of yours." The man said. "You can keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass!" Cartman yelled. "You know, it's amazing what we can do with a little blood sample these days" The man said. "I hope you aren't going to rape us. I fell like that's going to happen any second now!" Jack said.

...

"Hey dumbasses. You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet?" Terrance asked. "No! We're already halfway done." Kyle lied. "Halfway? Then all you've got is a stupid pig." Terrance said. "You don't have more!" Ellie said, "Wroong. We've already got our human clone well under way." One kid dropped a foot. "Wow. That's even less than half a person!" Jack said. "Oh my God! They cloned a foot." Kyle said. The foot kicked Cartman in the face. "Ugh! Hey! I'll kick your ass!" Cartman yelled. "It doesn't have an ass yet!" Ellie said, as she started laughing. "By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being. Good luck with your stupid little pig." Terrance said. "You still haven't done more than us!" Ellie yelled.

...

As they got lunch, Chef gave the kids the idea to get the elephant and pig to "Make sweet love" to create the giant pig/small elephant. "Hey uh, you guys want to come over to my house?" Stan asked. "We've got work to do Stan, I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk." Kyle said. "Really, you, you guys don't want to come over for just a little bit?" Stan asked. "Why? Is your sister gonna kick your ass again?" Cartman asked. "Shut up Cartman!" Stan said. Kenny said something about hitting Shelly. "Yeah Stan, she's just a girl." Kyle said.

"Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!'" Cartman said. "Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!" Stan asked. "His mom!" Jack said. "I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all." Eric said. "Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her, 'Shelly, you're my sister, and I love you.'" Kyle said.

"And I want to see you handling your breasts." Kenny added. Ellie started laughing. "Sick dude, she's my sister." Stan said. "Try it. We'll see you in a while, we got to go get Cartman's pig." Kyle said. "No, you don't gotta get Cartman's pig! You leave Fluffy out of this!" Eric yelled. "Later Stan!" Ellie yelled, as she ran toward Cartman's house. "If it get's me out of seeing the pig and elephant go work, I'm going to go with you." Jack said.

...

"Are you staring at my neckbrace?" Shelly asked. "No, I mean, yes, I mean, what neckbrace?" Shelly grabs Stan. "Shelly, before you beat my face into a bloody pulp again, I just want you to know that…that you're my sister, and I love you." Shelly threw Stan at Jack. "Ow! Fuck!" Jack ran out of Stan's house. "No. Ahh! Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me." Stan said. "You'll never be bigger than me Stan. Never!" Shelly said.

...

"Come on elephant, keep drinking." Kyle said. "Wow. I haven't seen anyone drink this much since that party my dad went to in '95." Jack said. "Dammit! This is never gonna work." Kyle said. "Hello children. I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going." Chef said. "Rotten, they're both really drunk, but the won't have sex." Kyle said. "Ohh, children, you just can't stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant, and, and, expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood. Let me show you boys what I'm talking about.

Tonight is a-right for love, you know I - want tuh touch you where the lights don't go. Tonight is a-right for love, love gravy. Expressing love so sweet. I want tuh - keep you burnin' like a dog in heat. Tonight is a-right for love, love graaavaaay. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!"

"Ok, I'm leaving. Let me know if it works." Jack said.

...

Jack went to go see if the plan worked. As he was headed to Cartman's house, he saw a giant Stan. "Aw crap." He hid behind a car and watched as the giant Stan began smashing everything insight. A police car stops. Leonard exits from it. "Jack, what the hell is going on here!" Leo asked. "This kid cloned Stan. Now the clone is out of control." Jack said. "I'll, um, warn people. Or something." Leo said, as he went back in his car and drove away.

"Guys! An evil...Stan clone...destroying...the city..." Jack said, catching his breath slowly. "We know." Ellie said. "Listen, uh, you kids go on home, there's nothing to see here." Barbrady said. "There you are! Stanley, you tore up my entire gun shop, you better have a good explanation for this mister!" Jimbo said. "It wasn't me Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone." Stan said. "Stanley, what the hell has gotten in to you?! You have got severe lunchroom duty mister!" Mr. Garrison yelled.

"I'm gonna go have a word with your father Stanley." Jimbo said. "Yeah, you wait 'til your father hears about this." Mr. Garrison said. "Wait, Stan, there he goes." Kyle said. "Stop!" Stan shouted. "Ahhh, ba-ba-chomp?" The clone stopped. "He recognizes you dude." Kyle said. "That's good, that's good dude. Just calm down." Stan said. "Ba-chomp, eh mee ahh jaran." The clone sat down. "What should we do with him?" Kyle asked.

"We could use him for the science experiment. Make it look like we did Terrence's project before he could!" Ellie suggested. "Stan, how would you like to go home and meet your sister?" Stan asked. "Ahhhh, Yeahh." The clone said.

...

"…So remember, Shelly's the one with the big wire coming out of her mouth and a metal plate on her back. When you see Shelly, kick her ass. Shelly bad, Shelly very bad." Stan said. "Me bad?" The clone asked. "No! Shelly bad, you good." The clone began wrecking the house. "He's tearing up the house, stop him!" Stan yelled. The clone knocked Kenny into a microwave. "Oh crap!" Ellie began trying to open the microwave. "Get him!" Jack yelled, as he ran at the clone. He got knocked away.

"Ow! That was a terrible idea." Jack said. "What the hell do you want?" Shelly asked. "Chewy-chewy-chomp" Shelly bashed him into the ground. "Holy crap!" Jack yelled. "Boys! Boys, I'm lusciously sorry for everything." The man from the GER returned. "Hey, they've got our clone. He belongs to us." Terrence said. "No son, this beast is a disgrace to genetic engineers everywhere. Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such - inconvenience. I tried to play God, and I failed." The man shot the clone in the head. "Damn it! We still needed him!" Jack said. "Daddy! Noooooo!"_  
><em>

"All I ever wanted was to genetically engineer something useful, but I failed. Perhaps we shouldn't be toying with God's creations. Perhaps we should just leave nature alone, to its simple one assed schematics." The man said. "What good does the extra butts do anyway. They only help f—" Jack said before Kenny exploded for no apparent reason. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Kyle yelled. "You Bastard!" Ellie yelled at the dead clone. "You cheating bastards. This isn't over, just wait until tomorrow."

"But we did nothing to sabotage you. Your project did that for us!" Jack yelled. "Mom and dad are home. My house is a disaster, you guy—you guys have got to help me." Stan said. "I ain't helpin' crap! I want to eat some paeh." Cartman said. "You can't just leave me here alone." Stan said. "Oh yeah, watch me." Cartman ran away. "Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not. See ya." Kyle said. "Th-they killed Kenny." Ellie muttered, as she walked out behind him. "Wow. This is the biggest clusterfuck since the after party my dad was in '95." Jack said. "Help me." Stan said. "Sorry. There isn't time." Jack left.

...

"The pig made a baby!" Ellie yelled, as she brought the Herbert Garrison resembling pig. "Wy does it look like Mr. Garrison?" Jack asked. "Ohh, uh, gee, isn't that an amazing coincidence? Hmm, what are the odds of that?" Mr. Garrison said. "Hmmm. You boys get first prize." Mr. Hat said. "Take that Terrence!" Ellie yelled.


	6. Suicidal Maniacs

Me: Death! I started with no idea what to do, and ended with a clear plan!

Joel: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for my family.

Me: Good job Joel. I'm surprised you could read that so well, even though I gave you terrible eyesight.

Joel: What?

Me: And damaged ears. I did not think this through.

...

Jack began flipping through random channels. "Hey, Jack. You are you watching that show, Terrence and Phillip, right?" Leonard asked. "No." Jack said. "Oh. Well Kyle's mom was complaining about the toilet humor or something." Leonard said.

...

"Have you seen Kenny?" Jack asked Ellie. "No. Maybe he died already." She said. "What?" Jack asked. "I swear to god, they are killing Kenny more than once!" Ellie said. "Oh. This again." Jack said. "Ow! What the hell was that for?!" Kyle asked, after Cartman hit him. "That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!" Cartman yelled. "Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?" Clyde asked. "Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own." Kyle said.

"Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!" Eric ranted. "Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night." Mr. Garrison said. "Oh, gee, I wonder who's mother that could have been?" Cartman said. "She informed me that some of you might be watching a, a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip." Mr. Garrison said.

"Yeahh, woohoo!" Students cheered. "Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Hat said. "That's right Mr. Hat, shows like _Terrance & Phillip_ are what we call 'toilet humor.' They don't expand your minds. You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash." Kenny walked in. "Kenny, why are you late to class?" Kenny gave me. Garrison a note. "Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because—Yes Kenny, what is it?"

Kenny said he had to go to the bathroom. "I thought you just came from the bathroom." Mr. Garrison said. Kenny said he had to go again. "Okay okay, go ahead. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment."

"Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there Kenny!" Stan said. "Pay attention children! I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance & Phillip any more, ever." Mr. Garrison said. "What?" Eric asked. "Not watch Terrance & Phillip ever?" Clyde asked. "That's right children. Are there any questions? Yes, Stanley?"

"Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?" Stan asked. Mr. Garrison paused. "What, what do you mean?" He asked. "My grampa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should." Stan said. "Well, then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna." Kyle said. "Really?" Stan asked. "Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Leborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in any trouble at all." Kyle said.

"Wow!" Stan said. "Hey, maybe we can get him to Kyle's mom!" Cartman said. "You should probably work on making her suicidal first." Ellie said. "So, is it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?" Stan asked. "Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot pole." Mr. Garrison said. Kenny began yelling in pain. "Uh, I think Kenny is dying!" Ellie said.

...

The first thing Ellie did when she got home was go to watch TV. She was surprised to see Leonard sleeping on the couch. "Dad, shouldn't you be at the PTA meeting?" Ellie asked. "I would if I cared enough about what you kids watched." Leonard said. "You should help get that show off the air!" She said. "But I don't want to." Leonard said. "Leonard! You get you ass off that couch and go to that PTA meeting!" Joel yelled. "Fine! I'll get it off the air." Leo said, as left.

...

"—and I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently. I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean." Shiela Broflovski played the clip. "Hey Phillip, guess what?" "What?" Terrence farted. "Fart." Leonard sat down. "Now apparently, that's supposed to be funny." Shiela said. "Heh, heh, heh, he farted right on his head, heh heh." Randy Marsh said. "Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to boycott the entire network! All those in favor—" A noise came from the bathroom. Mr. Garrison left it. "Ohh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters." He said. "Everyone started laughing.

...

"And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access." Jack stopped changing the channels. "Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace." Jesus said. "First caller, you're on 'Jesus and Pals'" "Yeah, is this Jesus?" There was some feedback. "Yes, yes caller, you need to turn your TV down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback." "Oh sorry. Uh, this is Martin..." "Martin, from Aspen Park, yes, I know." "How the hell'd you know that?" "Well, maybe because I'm the Son of God, brainiac, now, do you have a question?"

"Uh, yeah, uh, I have this cousin who, who cheated on the SAT's and—" "Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance." "Oh, oh, okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus." "Next caller, you're on the air." "Jesus." Stan said. "Yes my son?" "Jesus, is, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to, because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like, assisted suicide, is that okay?" "My son..." "Yes?" "I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole. Next caller." Jack changed the channel. "Jack, a lot of people want to use the TV to watch Terrence and Phillip." Joel said. "Well they can't, unless they have five dollars per person! Five! Per! Person!" Jack shouted.

...

"I made almost a hundred dollars off of kids who aren't allowed to Terrence and Phillip." Jack said. "Well, soon the show will be off the air. Better make that money while you still can." Ellie said. "What? Why?" Jack asked. Ellie played a recording. "Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously murder an innocent grandfather." "Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards?" "We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there, watching Terrance & Phillip and—" "Terrance & Phillip, aha! So it is that show that is to blame." Ellie paused it. "Adults are going to get off the network for sure." Ellie said.

...

"We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television, for our children! We want more quality television, like Full House!" Sheila shouted. "Aw crap. At least I'm not sick. Right now anyway." Leonard said. "Well, your not leaving til that crap is off the air." Joel said. "Goddamnit!" Leonard said.

...

Jack began sitting around in his house. "Now, no one is watching their kids. They don't even know that while they protest, their kids are watching Terrence and Phillip." Jack said. "Well, we can do what ever we want." Ellie said. "We could already do that." Jack said. "Well, this is Stan's grandpa's fault." Ellie said.

...

"Hehh, it doesn't look like our protest is working." Liane Cartman said. "It'll work, it has to." Shiela said. "I'm fine with it ending in complete failure. As long as it happens soon." Leo said. "It's the network president!" Joel shouted. "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warzog, I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network. Ahem! Fuck you. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there." The Network President said. "Hey, you will not get away with this!" Shiela yelled. Warzog mooned them. "That does it, no more Mr. Nice Protesters. It's time for 'Plan B'."

""Nope. Fuck that. Screw you guy! I'm going home!" Leonard said, as he walked away. "You come back here you son of a bitch!" Joel yelled. "That's your fault not mine!" Leo yelled back.

...

"Hey kids." Leonard said, as he returned home. "Wait, is the protest over?" Jack asked. "No. They decided to go to plan B, which involves killing ourselves. I am not suiciding, nor helping them do it. If they don't value their lives, that's their problem." Leo said. "Wait a minute! That's the answer Stan was looking for!" Jack ran out of the house, followed by Ellie "Wait a minute, doesn't Ellie usually leave first? Whatever." Leo said, as he grabbed a beer.

...

"The network is not taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready? Mr. McCormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God Speed. We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds. Launch!" Kenny's father was sent into a window. "Oh my god! They killed Kenny's dad!" Jack yelled. "You suicidal maniacs!" Ellie yelled.

...

"Huh. No one's home." Jack said, as they entered Stan's house. "Aaaah, runrunruuun!" Cartman yells. Everyone runs into Stan's room. "Did I just see Death?" Ellie asked. "Mh Hm." Kenny said. "Oh right, Kenny your dad is dead." Ellie said. "What?" Kenny asked. "Your dad. He suicided. As are many other parents." Ellie said.

...

"As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the 'Toon Central building. Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors." Leonard raised the volume. "Aw crap! I think Dad was 80%!" Leo shouted.

...

"Mom! Death is here, and and he's trying to take us all away with him!" Stan rambled into the phone. "Stanley, honey, you need to leave mommy alone, I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there." Mrs. Marsh said. "Yeah, but, mom!" "Here honey, talk to your father." She said. "Did you turn the heat down?" Randy asked. "Dad, Death is coming!" Stan yelled. "Keep the thermostat under 70, and take care of your grandfather." Randy said. "Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV, and more time worrying about what's going in in their kid's lives, this world would be a much better place." Stan said.

"Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because the rely on it as a babysitter, and the sole educator of their kids." Kyle said. Kenny said something about how if you let parents decide what you watch on TV, you can't watch anything, since they only have you watch stuff you don't want to. Or something like that. "Yeah. I still can't believe they are killing themselves over this." Ellie said.

"Oh Yeah, Stan, I was going to tell you that you shouldn't kill your grandfather, because if he really wants to die, it's his problem. Don't make it yours." Jack said. "That would have been good to know hours ago." Stan said. "I only learned minutes ago. Not much I could do about that." Jack said. Death cut the door. "Aw crap!" Jack ran away from it. "Quick, jump through the window." Stan said. Cartman had trouble, but Kenny pushed him out.

Stan's grandpa (Literally) chased while death chased the kids. "Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!" Grandpa Marsh yelled. Death was gaining on Kenny. "Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!" Kyle yelled. "Come over here you son of a whore!" Grandpa Marsh yelled. Death stopped to watch Terrence and Phillip on TVs in TV World. "Well I'm getting out of here." Jack said, running as far away as possible.

...

"Hours have passed, and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the 'Toon Central building, one by one. Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is—Wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement!" Leonard woke up. "Ladies and gentlemen, your nazi-esque tactics of trying to—" Joel began shooting the Network President. "Aw crap. Why did he have to say Nazi?" Leo asked.

...

"We interrupt this program to bring you loud static." The TV said. "Aw crap." Ellie said. Death touched Kenny. "Oh my god! Death took Kenny!" Ellie yelled. "You bastard!" Kyle yelled. "Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time." Stan said. "That makes sense." Ellie said. "That's not fair, Goddammit! My grampa asked me to kill him and I did it." Grandpa Marsh said. Death pointed to a ghost. "This is about to get wierd. I'm going to leave before that happens." Ellie said.

...

"And now back to She's the Sheriff." Leonard was surprised. "I loved this show! But they stopped showing it after...I'm going to beat the crap out of your grandfather as soon as he get's back here." Leo said to his son. "That's cool, I guess." Jack said. "You are the one behind all these shenanigans." "Yeah, well you're the stupid ho that started it." "Up yours, buttmunch." Leonard began watching every rerun until the mob got it taken off the air.


	7. Not z-zombies

Me: I made this a few weeks ago. But I forgot to upload it. Well, prepare for zombies!

Zombie Kenny: *Says disclaimer, then tries to bite me.*

Me: Ok, I'm going to need help. *Summons Chewbacca, who rips off Kenny's head.* Oh my god! You killed Kenny! You bastard!

...

"Look at all the Chewbacca's!" Ellie said, as they entered the school. She was wearing a Darth Vader costume. "Well, that deducts originality points off of most of the students. Which means I'm more likely to win." Jack said. He had a zombie costume. "Oh hey Kenny. I see you came as a zombie. Even though I said I would be coming as a zombie almost a hundred times yesterday." Jack said. Kenny didn't say anything. "Ok, bye Kenny." Jack said, walking away.

...

"There, you see? All of a sudden, my costume is pretty badass, huh?" Cartman said. "Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass!" Kyle said. "You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to Endor you stupid wookie?!" Cartman said. "Because those are Ewoks on Endor. Completely different!" Jack said. "Those are Ewoks. Completely different." Eric mocked. "At least I'm not related to anyone on Crack Whore Magazine." Jack said. "What?! What did you say?!"

"Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats. Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats. _[they do]_ Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer, Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel—" Kenny's arm fell off. "Eww." Wendy said. "Is there a problem Kenny?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?"

...

Leonard looked out his window and saw zombies. "Aw crap. Hey! Get off mah property! Shoo! Fuck off! I'm not giving out candy yet!" He yelled. They began banging on his door. "Aw crap."

...

"Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding? 'No Eric, go ahead and take my pudding, if you'd like.' Why thank you Kenny. How nice of you." Cartman grabbed Kenny's pudding. "Hey Kenny. Kenny? Kenny!" Ellie said, irritated by his unresponsiveness. "Hello children." Chef said, as he walked over. "Hey chef."

"What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?!" Chef asked Eric, noticing his Hitler costume. "He thinks dressing up as a guy that uses Stormtroopers to oppress people is cool." Ellie said. "Your dressed as Darth Vader." Jack said. "That's different. He didn't do any of the stuff Hitler did. The emperor did." Ellie said. "Hello there, children. Ooh, love the Elvis costume, Chef." The principal said. "Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?" Chef said. "Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel? _[turns to the boys]_ Anyway, I hope that you kids are-Daagh! Eric, God bless it, what do you think you're doing?!"

"Eating Kenny's pudding while wearing a Adolf Hitler costume." Jack said. "Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself. 'That's right, Principal Victoria. It's okay with me because Eric is cool.'" Cartman said, while poking Kenny with a fork. "Where did you get that costume, young man?!" The principal asked. "My mom made it. Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!" Cartman said. "Sshh! Oh, God bless America. You get into my office before anyone else sees you. I have to show you an educational video." The principal dragged him away. "Eeehh, I don't want to see a educational vidy-oo." Kenny bit Cylde. "See. Kenny isn't dead." Ellie said. "No one said he was dead." Jack said.

...

"Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes. Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers." Mr. Garrison said. "Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes. Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers. Thank you Miss Yothers. Okay, the second place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume." Mr. Garrison said. "It's a zombie costume!" Jack yelled. "Shut up Jack, no one is talking to you. Anyway, the award for the very best costume goes to... Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!" Mr. Garrison said._  
><em>

"What?! But she looks just like everybody else. Up yours, Tina Yothers!" Kyle yelled. "Did these votes get decided in a lucky draw?" Jack yelled. "Shut the fuck up Jack!" Mr. Garrison yelled. "No! Screw you guys, I'm going tricker treating!" Jack yelled, as he left. "And the award for worst costume this year goes to... Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children."

...

"Where the hell is Kyle, we don't have all night to wait for him." Cartman said. "I bet I get more candy than you dude." Stan said. "Are you crazy?! I'm the candy master." Cartman said. "No, no, you're the ass master, there's a difference." Stan said. "Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstocking." Eric said. "Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!" Stan said. "God damn it, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!" Cartman yelled.

"Hey dudes." Kyle said. "Ok. Before we go, we should make sure we aren't missing anything." Ellie said. "Flashlight?" Stan asked. "Check." Eric said. "Plastic pumpkin pails?" Stan asked. "Check." Kyle said. "Taser." Stan activated the taser. "What's that for?" Kyle asked. "For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something." Stan said. "Yeah, granola pisses me off." Eric said. "Hey Kenny."

"Whew! Eh, you stink Kenny." Eric said. "You still didn't get a costume Kenny?" Kyle asked. "Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire." Cartman said. Kenny did nothing. "I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?! Kenny?! Your family is poor Kenny! Your family's poor!" Kenny remained silent. "I don't like Kenny anymore, he, he just doesn't communicate." Eric said. "Kenny? Are you alive? Are you dead? If I tried to kill you, would your stop me?" Ellie asked. She punched Kenny. "Yep. He is brain dead." Ellie said. "You bastards?" Stan said.

"Hi guys." Wendy said. "Hi Wendy." Eric said. "How's your barrel full of candy Wendy?!" Stan asked. "Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi." Wendy said. "You what?! Are you insane?!" Cartman yelled. "They can't survive off of candy." Ellie said. "Let's go trick-or-treats." Wendy said. "I don't think so Wendy, I think you've had enough candy for one day." Stan said. "Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad." Wendy said. "You gave candy to starving children? You could have at least sold the candy for money!" Ellie said. "Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!" Stan said. "But Stan!—" Wendy said. "No buts, Wendy! I wish you were dead!"

...

Leonard and Joel keep shooting everyone that comes near thier house. "Good damn! Those Zombies are everywhere!" Leonard said. "Wait, I thought we were shooting Zombies? I was shooting black people." Joel said. "What? Goddammit Dad!" Leo yelled. He noticed they were wearing masks. "Those weren't even black people. They were people in Chewbacca costumes." Leonard said. "Aw crap! I thought they were black." Joel said. "Dad, stop being Racist!" Leonard yelled.

...

"Trick o treat!" Kenny's other arm fell off. "Ohh, how cute." It began attacking the woman. "Holy crap!" Ellie said. "Oh, My God! Call 911, call 911!" She shut the door. "Nice going Kenny, she was about to give us candy." Eric said. "Yeah, she had Sweetie Pops." Stan said. "You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!" Cartman yelled. "How did you do that? What other tricks do you have up your sleeves?" Ellie asked. Kenny said nothing.

...

"Trick or treat!" A man opened the door. "Hope you kids like chocolate-peanut butter-cream puffies." Kenny began eating him. "Aaah! Get it off! Get it off me! Gaaah!" Kenny began ripping out parts of the guy's skull. "That's it. Screw you Kenny, we're leaving you!" Ellie said. They went to the next house. "Trick or treat." Three KKK members stood before them. "Heyy. They're all dressed up like ghosts too." Eric said. They gave him a piece of candy. "One Tootie Bar? You cheap bastards!" Cartman Yelled. "I don't think they were ghosts." Ellie said.

"Trick or t—Ahhh!" Chef came to the door with dual chainsaws. "Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!" Chef yelled. Ellie ran away.

...

As Ellie ran back to her house, she got shot. "Damn it Dad, that was Ellie!" Leonard yelled. "Fuck!" Joel yelled. "Why is everyone killing trick or treaters?!" Ellie asked. "Because some of them are real zombies." Leonard said. "Zombies aren't real." Ellie said. "Yes they are. I had to fight an army of Nazi Zombies, then the government covered the shit up!" Joel yelled. "Dad, have you had your medicine?" Leo asked. "We need to save up on medicine. We don't know how much we'll have in the apocalypse tomorrow if we don't kill the first person that was infected." Joel said. "Wait, I think I know who it is!" Ellie said.

...

Jack walked past Kenny. "Oh, hey Kenny. Why are you eating that guy." Kenny Looked at Jack, then ignored him. "Ok. Bye." Jack said.

...

He was walkng home, when he almost got shot. "Holy crap!" Jack jumped behind a car. "God damn it Dad, why can't you ever shoot a zombie for once today." Leo said. "That's not true. I shot those minority walkers." Joel said. "Goddammit dad!" Leonard yelled. "What are you talking about?!" Jack asked. "The walking dead! The zombies all over the place, eating people. You didn't see anything?" Joel asked. "I saw Kenny eating a Dead guy. And he would't talk to anyone today. I was lucky he turned his head when I last saw him." Jack said. "How haven't you been eaten. They pretty much taken over the entire town by now." Joel said.

"I saw a bunch of people walking around in zombie costumes. Or a bunch of zombies. But none of them attacked me." Jack said. "Maybe because your in a zombie costume, they think your a zombie." Ellie said. Joel killed a black zombie. "We need to cover our selves on zombie blood!" Joel said. "Why did you kill the Black one? There's one under this car!" Jack said "You may not have realized this, but your grandpa is a racist." Leonard said. "Oh. That makes sense." Jack said.

...

Leonard shoots Kenny in the head with a rifle. Then he begins shooting the body with his pistol. "Oh my god! He killed Kenny! You Bastard!" Kyle yelled. "Oh, what happened? Stan?" Wendy asked, as she reverted to normal. "Wait, she was infected?" Jack asked. "Apparently. Well, we can go home now. Nothing left to see—" Ellie said. "Eww, gross Stan, sick! Barf is gross!" Wendy yelled. Ellie started laughing.

...

"Oh man, I can't believe he's gone." Stan said. "Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us." Kyle said. "I swear this happened before." Ellie said. "Let, let us remember the good times, Kenny would have wanted it that way." Cartman said. "You know, I've really learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes, or candy. It's about being good to one another, and giving and loving." Stan said. "No, dude, that's Christmas." Kyle said. "Oh, then, what's Halloween about?" Stan asked. "Costume's and candy." Ellie said. "Oh." Stan said.

"Well, let's go home, start eating that candy." Cartman said. "We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom." Kyle said. "Yeah." Stan said. "Knock it off you guys, she said she was young, and needed the money." Cartman said. "Cartman, those pictures were taken like, last month." Stan said. "I swear I saw her on the new one my Grandpa got today." Ellie said. "Lehheh, screw you guys!" Cartman said. Kenny got out of his grave, but statue fell on him. Then an airplane flew into him. "Holy crap!" Ellie yelled.


	8. Attack of the turkeys

Me: A lot of stuff is going down this episode! Wish I could make it longer though. At least there's a second chapter, and extension to the "You shouldn't bet on Satan" chapter. I also added a OC submission sheet a few days ago.

Leonard: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for family!

...

"Children, children! To honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is? Yes, Eric?" Mr. Garrison said. "When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?" Cartman said. "Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people." Ellie started laughing. "A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving." Mr. Garrison said. "You mean, like Kenny?" Stan asked. "Exactly." Mr. Garrison said.

"Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?" Cartman asked. "I don't know Eric, they just do." He answered. "Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people." Mr. Garrison said. "I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, Screw them!" Cartman said. "Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!" Wendy asked.

"Hey you guys, do you hear something?! Ah- I think I hear the flower children calling!" Eric said. "This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!" Wendy asked. "I thought this was the one year your supposed to be thankful for not being poor like Kenny." Ellie said. "Thanksgiving is about white supremacy." Jack said. "It...It is?" Cartman asked. "Yes. It's about when they slowly took this country from Native Americans." Jack said. "Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!" Cartman said. "That is the most cynical thing I've ever heard." Mr. Garrison said. Suddenly, Turkeys attacked. Everyone climbed onto desks. Cylde had his knocked over, while the Turkeys wrecked the classroom. "What the hell just happened?" Jack asked.

...

"Children, children! I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive. And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn? Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving." Mr. Garrison said. "I bet if we killed all those turkeys, we would have plenty of food for them." Ellie said. "Yeah. If they increase in numbers fast enough." Jack said. "Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell." Mr. Garrison said.

"I hope it isn't a turkey." Jack asked. "This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin." Kyle said. "Aw crap." Jack said. "He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin." Stan said. Marvin grabbed a can. "No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn." Cartman said. "This is not going to end well." Jack said. "Boys, what the hell are you doing?! This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?" Mr. Garrison asked. "He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch." Stan said. "The sports watch from the commercial?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Yeah, that one." Kyle said.

"I want a Starvin' Marvin." Bebe said. "Me too." Cylde said. "Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one." Pip said. "I swear this happened before." Ellie said. "Boys, you're too young to take care of a child! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned." Mr. Garrison said. "This is not going to end here is it." Jack said.

...

"Well, We're finally done with the groceries." Leonard said. Suddenly, Turkeys destroyed his house. "Nooooooooooo!" He yelled. "Aw goddammit!" Joel said, realizing what just happened. "Hey, We're ba—Where'd our house go?" Ellie said. "It's gone. We don't have a house anymore." Leonard said. "Wait, so we're homeless now?" Jack asked. "Considering that our house only has a basement now, yes." Leonard said. "Aw crap." Ellie said.

...

"Dr. Mephesto! I need your help!" Leonard yelled from the door to the Genetic Engineering Ranch. "Leonard. Joel. I'm glad you are here. Come see this." Dr. Mephesto said. "Woah!" Joel said. Leonard looked into it. "Goddammit dad! This is the wrong slide." Leonard said. "Oh whoops. Now tell me what you see." Joel looked again. "Rapidly Dividing cells." Joel said. "Rapidly Dividing Turkey cells!" Mephesto corrected. "What does that mean?" Leonard asked. "Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world." Mephesto answered. "I also need shelter right now, since they destroyed my house." Leon said. "Can I get a copy of that last slide?" Joel asked. Leonard facepalmed.

...

The Turkeys began attacking again. This time, the mayor was here to see. "They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about." Mephesto explained. "Those Turkish bastards destroyed my house!" Joel said. "Turkey Bastards, Dad." Leonard corrected. "I know what I said!" Joel yelled. "OKAY PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD!" The mayor yelled. Jimbo and Ned began shooting at the Turkeys. "We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!" Mephesto said.

...

"At least we have food. We just need to find someplace to eat it." Jack said. "I haven't slept last night. When I don't sleep, I become bored. When I'm bored, I may do things I wouldn't do normally for no reason, like kill Kenny, or beat the shit out of babies." Ellie said. They watched Kenny grab cans. "He keeps dropping them." Ellie said. "Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family. It...looks like he got a...a—a can of—string beans_._ Hehe." The Mayor said. The sounds of the Turkey army returned. "Aw crap. Here they come." Jack said.

"Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your...What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?" Chef said, looking to the thing that keeps following Mephesto. "That's not important right now." Dr. Mephesto said. "No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything." Chef said. "We have Turkeys incoming!" Joel said. "Oh, All right. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry! We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys." Chef said.

...

Leonard came on a horse. "You people are probably thinking 'we can't beat them. There's too many!'. Well I'm going to say your wrong. I lost everything yesterday. But as long as I breath, I will fight until I have nothing left to lose. Because right now, we don't! Either we fight today, or die tomorrow. There is no other option. They can take my home. They have taken our lives. But they will not take our freedom!" Leonard said. "Charge!" Joel shouts, as everyone rushes to the battle.

"Stay close children." Chef instructed. Turkeys charge at Kenny. "Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!" Stan said. "You bastards!" Kyle yelled. "The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned." Jimbo ordered. "Finally! They're dead! All of them! Dead!" Leonard yelled. He grabbed the dead leader Turkey and began slamming it on the ground. "Leonard! It's dead!" Joel said. Leonard walked away with the leader Turkey. "Aw man, they killed Kenny." Jack said. "Yeah. I feel bad for his family. This thanksgiving is just one bad thing after another for them." Ellie said.

...

"Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us, and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen." Kenny's father prayed. The door was knocked on. "Hey. We kinda don't have a house anymore, so we thought it would be good idea to have a thanksgiving at your house." Leonard said. "Wait, you have food, right?" Mr. McCormick asked. "Yeah. Lots of food. Pretty much all we have is food. Why?" Joel said. "Oh yeah. Poor people. These are poor people." Joel said. Leonard slammed his head on the wall.


	9. Thanksgiving aftermath

Me: The follow up to me thanksgiving chapter. Starts based on a South Park short, but it has completely original stuff I added on at the end.

Jay Leno: You know I just flew in to the—

Me: Hey, your not supposed to be here!

Ellie: Holy crap! That chin is fucking huge!

Jay Leno: Great! More of them!

Jack: What did I do?!

Me: None of you are supposed to be here! Except for Jack. Everyone else, get outa here.

Jack: What do I do?

Me: read the sign.

Jack: What? *sees the sign* Oh. Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for my family. This isn't going to affect me later, is it?

Me: probably not.

...

"Okay, children, let's settle down. We have a very special guest today to tell us all about Thanksgiving. All the way from the pagan state of California, Mr. Jay Leno." Mr. Garrison said. "Hi, young people! Ha hah, it's great to be here. Look, you know, I just flew in to the Denver—" Jay Leno said, interrupted. "Whoa! Check out his chin!" Stan said. "Yeah, dude!" Kyle said. Kenny said something. "Kenny wants to know if that's your real chin, or if you had a silicone implant." Stan translated. "A-all right, all raght, kids, very funny. Look, believe me, there isn't a chin joke you can tell me that I haven't already heard, okay? So let's just put a stop to that." Jay Leno said.

"I bet you go through about forty razors when you shave, huh?" Kyle said. "All right, let's TALK ABOUT Thanksgiving, shall we?" Jay Leno said angrily. "Did you have to check that into 'oversized baggage' on the plane?" Cartman asked. Ellie started laughing. "It's funny because he's oversized baggage!" She said. "AIY!" Cartman yelled. "Okaayy. That's enough. All right? Now. Does anybody know WHY we celebrate Thanksgiving." Jay Leno said. Cartman raised his hand. "Yes, little boy?"

"Do you have to put your chin in a baby chair when you drive?" Eric asked. "Hey! We're talking about Thanksgiving! Come on, kids, I want to know what you children are thankful for this year." Jay Leno said. "I lost pretty much everything I had yesterday. Now I have to live in Kenny's shitty house." Ellie said. Kenny said something angrily. "I'm thankful for cable television. Because you can say words like 'I'm all pissed off' and 'kiss my [Redacted]'" Stan said. "Yeah. And stuff like, 'You're a dick, you bastard!'" Kyle said. "And how about, 'Why don't you- take yer testicles and wrap 'em around yer, yer penis, 'cause you look like a little monkey?!'" Cartman said.

"Whoa whoa, whoa. Mis-Mr. Garrison, you...you let them talk this way in school?" Jay asked. "Oh, I can't control them. The little shitheads say whatever the fuckin' hell they want. Now children, let's talk about what we're thankful for, okay. That's what Mr. Big Shot Hollywood is here for." Mr. Garrison said. "I'm thankful for stuffing and pie." Cartman said. "You would say that, fatass!" Stan said. "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!" Cartman said. "No, Jay Leno's chin is big boned! You are a big fatass!" Stan said. "You sonofabitch, I'll kick you in the nuts!" Cartman said.

"Hey, Hey! Listen up! I didn't wanna come down here and talk to you foul-mouthed little brats! But those idiots at NBC, those executives, they say cute kids get us big ratings! Do you understand?! You mean money in my pocket! Shut the hell up; you talk about the joys of Thanksgiving, damnit!" Jay Leno yelled. "Now you, the fat kid!" He said. "Uh-I'm not fat, I'm big-boned." Cartman said. "I don't care! Now, what does Thanksgiving mean to you?!" Jay Leno asked. "It symbolizes the Pilgrims' dinner, when they ate with the Indians, who taught them how to plant, and harvest food, and they gave thanks for the food, and for the Indians." Eric said.

"There! Weh-hell, gu-good! But but wuh-one little thing, the politically correct term is, 'Native Americans.'" Jay Leno said. "Whoa! Pilgrims ate Native Americans?!" Stan asked. "Cool!" Kyle said. "No!" Jay yelled. "If the Pilgrims would have had Jay Leno's chin, they could have plowed their fields with it!" Stan said. "Hey! Ey, that's it! Screw you little bastards, I'm goin' home!" Jay Leno said. As he walked away, he knocked over a flagpole. The flagpole hit a shelf, which causes a George Washington statue to fall on Kenny.

"Oh my God! Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny!" Stan said. "You bastard!" Kyle yelled. "Oh, who cares! He dies every damn episode! Look, I'm outta here!" Jay Leno said. He pushed a button on his chin, which makes helicopter rotors come out of it. "I knew that chin was fake!" Jack said. "Did you here what Jay Leno said about Kenny dying every episode?" Ellie asked. "I don't really care. The has helicopter blades in his chin. He probably isn't sane." Jack said.

...

The next day, Ellie woke up, in a sleeping bed. She then remembered she was now sharing a room with Kenny's sister. She left, to check on Jack, who was in Kenny's room. She saw Kenny, was alive again. When he woke up, he began panicking. "Relax Kenny. I'm not going to do anything." She said. Kenny said something about how usually when he wakes up and see's Ellie, she is trying to kill him. "Why would I want to kill you?" She asked. Kenny explained that for some reason she occasionally realizes that he keeps dying, then tries to kill him to prove she isn't crazy, then forgets about it entirely and repeats. "Are you sure your not crazy?" Ellie asked. Kenny said yes. "Hey, what's going on?" Jack asked, waking up. "Nothing." Ellie said.

...

"Ok. Apparently, you can't die and I keep killing you when ever I find out." Ellie said. Kenny added that sometimes he gets killed by rats first. "I hate rats. Based on this, we can assume that next time you die, I will forget everything I know." Ellie said. "Did you know Kenny's family had a TV? I never knew he did!" Jack yelled. "Exactly how often do you die?" Ellie asked. Kenny said pretty much everyday. "Ok. Exactly how often do I realize that you keep dying?" Ellie asked. He said whenever she sees him die multiple times. "I think I have a idea of how to find out how you keep coming back to life. The only problem with it is that you have to die for it to work, which means I probably will forget to do my part." Ellie said.

"I would have to figure out how you come back to life after you die, but by then, I'll probably have forgotten you keep dying to find out myself." Ellie said. Kenny said he didn't want to try it. "It's only the last resort plan for if you die somehow. But if you die and I don't see it, maybe I won't forget. I think me seeing you die is connected to whether or not I remember." Ellie said. Ellie walked over to Jack. "Did you know Kenny dies several times?" Ellie asked. "I don't care." Jack said.

...

The next day, Kenny woke up after being killed in a car accident. He went to see if Ellie's plan worked. "Kenny? What time is it?" She asked. Kenny asked what happened to her. "I was trying to stay awake. I can's remember why." Ellie said. Kenny left, pissed off.


	10. Christmas Poop

Me: Happy Holodays! It's a pre-Christmas special! Because I'm working on a Christmas special, but don't want to give it to you yet. Because It's not based on an episode, so I have to work harder on it.

Mr. Hankey: Howdy-Ho!

Me: What the fuck? Oh right. It's you. I forgot what you look like in person.

Mr. H: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own South Park, any of the songs in this chapter, or anything else in this fanfic that isn't one of his OCs. I should also warn you that Eric Cartman's song includes alot of [Redacted].

Me: Wait, the [Redacted] shouldn't started yet!

...

"Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?" Mr. Garrison wasn't pleased with how the practice for the Christmas play was turning out. "Sorry." Kyle said. "And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains." Mr. Garrison shouted. "Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Kyle's mom yelled, as she entered. "Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head." Mr. Garrison said. "How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!" Sheila said. "So?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?" Sheila asked. "Because it's Christmas." Mr. Garrison answered. "Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas!" Sheila said. "Wow. That has to suck." Ellie said. "Oh God, you're not gonna lay that Channukah crap on me, are you?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Whatwhatwhaaat?! You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!" Sheila warned. "Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!" Cartman said. "Shut up, fat boy!" Kyle yelled. "I'm not fat, I'm festively plump." Cartman said. "Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?" Stan asked.

"Oh kay, Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?" Mr. Garrison asked. "How about the dreidl song, bubbe?" Sheial asked. "I can sing the Mr. Hankey song." Kyle said. "Oh god, no!" Jack ran away. "The Mr. Hankey song? How does that go?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo;  
>he loves me and I love y—" Kyle sang. "Christmas Poo?" Stan interrupted. "What the hell is Christmas Poo?" Cartman asked. "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?" Kyle asked. "Kyle, that is enough!" Sheila shouted. "See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan." Mr. Garrison said.<p>

"Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison." Sheila declared. "Can you get Eric Cartman removed from this school while your at it?!" Jack asked. "You guys, look! It's snowing!" Wendy said. Everyone ran outside. "Like you've never seen it snow before." Jack said. "Whoa, Christmas snow!" Stan said. "Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue. It's fun." Wendy said. Everyone began doing it. When Kenny tried, a bird pooped on him. "That was sick, dude!" Stan said. Ellie began laughing. Kyle was about to catch a snowflake.

"AEY! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!" Cartman said. "We can, too!" Kyle said. "Naw I think it's against the law, dude." Stan said. "Officer Barbrady!" Kyle shouted. "What?" Barbrady arrived as soon as he was called. "Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?" Kyle asked. Barbrady thought for a second. "Yes." He said. "Damnit!" Kyle shouted. "Yeah, I think it was something about having to celebrate Christmas to eat snow." Ellie said.

"Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas." Stan said. "Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents." Cartman said. "No. But I get Channukah presents for eight days." Kyle said. "Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that." Cartman said. "We'll catch up with you later, Kyle." Stan said. "Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo." Kyle said. "Oh my god! I swear to god, if I hear that song again, I am going to kill someone!" Jack yelled. Everyone began staring at him.

"What's a Christmas Poo?" Ellie asked. "Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet." Kyle explained. "Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now." Cartman said. "Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!" Kyle said. "But Santa doesn't give Jewish people rides." Ellie said. "See you around, dude." Stan said.

...

"Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down." The mayor said. "Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!" A Jewish woman said. "No! Wrong!" A crowd yelled. "What's going on, you guys?" Kyle asked. "The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet." Stan said. "That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!" Sheila said. "You are the Jewish community!" Mr. Garrison said. "Oh, boy! Superbitch is at it again!" Cartman said. "Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" Kyle yelled.

"Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!" The priest yelled. "And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!" Some treehugger said. "And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it." Jimbo said. "Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas." The mayor said. "Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?" Kyle suggested. "Excuse me?" The mayor asked.

"Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet." Kyle said. "Oh my god!" Jack said. "It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are. _Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo_—" Kyle sang. "Arhg!" Jack punched Kenny. "Oh my god! He almost killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. Kenny tried to call him a bastard, but passed out. "Someone call an ambulance!"

...

"I can't believe you killed Kenny." Leonard said. "I didn't kill him. I cracked his skull, then the doctor's accidentally killed him." Jack said. That's not the point! We almost got kicked out of their house. It's a good thing the McCormick's are dirt poor or we wouldn't have a home right now!" Leonard yelled. "Why don't you just buy a knew house?" I asked. "Because I used most of it for your presents, which I may have to sell if you learn to control yourself." Leonard said. "It's not my fault. He kept talking about that dumb Christmas crap. I swear to god, if I hear that song again I'll kill someone!" Jack said. "Why are you so angry?" Leo asked. "I. Hate. Christmas." Jack said. "Well, then you can go help the mayor decide what is offensive or not. Thtat should be a good punishment." Leo said. Mainly to get outside of having to do it himself.

...

"Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!" The mayor said. "Is mistletoe offensive?" Jimbo asked. "Is anyone offended by mistletoe?" The mayor asked. Someone raised his hand. "Lose the mistletoe!" The mayor ordered. Jack suddenly got an idea.

...

"You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!" Stan announced. "How do you know?" Cartman asked. "'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night." Stan said. "Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000." Cartman said. "Uh, I don't think that's yours." Ellie warned. "Why?" Cartman asked. "Just trust me on this." Ellie said. "Hello, everybody." Kyle said as he walked over with a box.

"What's in the box, dude?" Stan asked. "It's a surprise." Kyle said. "Let me see!" Everyone gathered around the box. "Oh ok, but don't scare him." Kyle opened the box. "Dude, sick!" Stan yelled. The box had a peice of poop in it. "Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?" Cartman asked. "That is fucking disgusting." Ellie said. "Wait! You guys! He's alive!" Kyle said, shaking the box. "Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep." Stan said. "Come on, dance! Dance! Dance, damn you!" Kyle yelled.

...

"Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?" Everyone was. "Here we go: Christ." There were three beeps. "Okay. Cherub." No one did anything. "Camel." There was no result. "Sad." Still nothing. "Stupid Wop Dago." Everyone beeped.

...

"Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Mayor's orders." The janitor confirmed. "Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus." Mr. Garrison explained. "Thanks to Kyle's mother." Cartman said. "Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle said. "Yeah. The Jews only got rid of Christ. The Christians got Santa dragged with him." Ellie said. "So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs." Mr. Garrison asked. Cartman raised his hand. "Yes, Eric?" Mr. Garrison said. "How about we sing 'Kyle's Mom is a Stupid [REDACTED]', in D minor." Cartman asked. "I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!"

_"__O_-ho. _Weeeeeeeeeellll_  
><em>Kyle's mom is a [REDACTED],<br>she's a big fat [REDACTED],  
>she's the biggest [REDACTED] in the whole wide world<br>She a stupid [REDACTED],  
>if there ever was a [REDACTED],<br>she's a bitch to all the boys and girls."_

"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle yelled.

__Monday she's a [REDACTED],  
>on Tuesday she's a [REDACTED],<br>on Wednesday to Saturday she's a [REDACTED],  
>Then on Sunday, just to be different,<br>she's a super King Kamehameha [REDACTED]!__

Everyone (except Kyle) begins clapping.

___Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?  
>She's the biggest [REDACTED] in the whole wide world.<br>She's a mean ole [REDACTED] 'cause she has stupid hair,  
>she a [Long cluster {REDACTED} bomb]<br>she's a stupid [REDACTED]!  
>Kyle's mom's a [REDACTED] and she's just a dirty [REDACTED]!<br>KYLE'S MOOOM IS A [Really long REDACTED]!"___

Suddenly, the poop from Kyle's box flew into Cartman's face. "What the?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Gross, Kyle!" Cartman yelled. "Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doodoo at Eric?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Uuuuuh." Was all Kyle could say. "YOU SICK BASTARD!" Cartman yelled. Ellie began laughing._  
><em>

...

"Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy. So Ellie, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Why can't Kenny do it?" Ellie asked. "Because your brother killed him, remember." Stan reminded. Ellie walked over. "Careful now, Ellie, those are very, very dangerous." Ellie begin pulling on the cords. "I think their stuck." She said. They suddenly came off. "Oh never mind." She said. "No! Get away from me!" Mr. Mackey yelled. "Here. Just look more closely at it." Kyle said. "No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, mkay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! Mkay?" Mr. Mackey ordered.

...

Kyle was taken to a mental asylum. Or someplace like that. "Okay, children, does eveyone have their leotards on?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I did it! I saved Christmas." Jack said. "Amd you have no Idea what to do." Ellie said. "I just helped make Christmas non-offensive and earned extra credit for it from Mr. Mackey. I don't care about the play." Jack said. "Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday—"

"Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians." Someone yelled. "Oh, come on!" Jimbo said. "Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!" The guy said. "Your overreacting." Leonard said. "Oh Brother. Jack, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage? And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Jack, the shark for the third act is in there." Mr. Garrison said. "Why do we have a shark!" Jack asked. "Quiet. You'll ruin the surprise." Ellie said. "Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef."

_"__I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log_  
><em>I'm gonna love you right<em>  
><em>Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls<em>  
><em>And silence your nights<em>

_You'll hear the herald angels sing_  
><em>_When I'm sliding off your bra_  
><em>I just can't wait to jingle your bells<em>  
><em>and falala your love...<em>_

"Oh crap!" Jack almost fell off with the ladder, after pulling out the star. "That was close." He said. "And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!" The play was really stupid and confusing. I have no idea what it was supposed to be, much less how to tell you. Watch the episode already!

"What the hell is this? This is horrible!" Sheila said. "This is what happens when you try to take the nativity out of Christmas. Everyone else tries to change it, and then no one can be happy." Joel explained. "All you bastards ruined Christmas!" Some treehugger said. Everyone began fighting. "What the hell?" Jack asked. "Look at what you did. You ruined Christmas!" Ellie said. "Yeah. This is the worst Christmas I have ever seen." Stan said. "Say, where's Kyle." Chef asked. "We committed him." Stan replied. "What? Why?" Chef asked. "'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went." Cartman answered. "Chirstmas poo? You y-you mean Mr. Hankey." Chef asked.

...

"This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!" Stan said. "Yeah. I wouldn't have ruined Christmas if you people didn't believe." Jack said. "Well! You can believe in him now." Chef said. "I'm an atheist. I don't beleive in shit." Jack replied. "I believe." Stan said. "I believe in Mr. Hankey." Wendy said. Mr. Hankey came out of a shoe box. "Fuck!" Jack ran away. "Hoooowwwwwdy-ho! Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery." Mr. Hankey said. "God damn it." Jack said. "Howdy-ho, Chef!" Mr. Hanley said. "Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey." Chef said. "Good bye. I'm out." Jack said. "Yeah. Screw this, I'm goin home! Talking poo is where I draw the line!" Cartman said.

...


	11. Christmas timeparadox

Me: Another pre-Christmas special! This one is introducing the guy from my avatar image. He will be a recurring character. It also introduces some of the extended family of the Henderson's.

Rachael Hendeson: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own the rights to any South Park characters, or any other characters mentioned in this chapter. He does own the rights to all of his original characters, and any other original content in this story. Any unnamed characters in this chapter are not licensed to anyone.

Me: Well said. You could have read the sign I have up there though. I leave it there for a reason.

...

"Good news!" Leonard said. "We have enough money to rebuild our house?" Ellie asked. "No." Leo said. "I don't have to deal with Christmas crap tomorrow." Jack asked. "No." Leo repeated. "You found your wife?" Joel asked. "No!" Leo yelled. "We're going to Nebraska for Christmas." Leo said. "You mean with aunt Rachael?" Jack asked. "Yes." Leo said. "Dammit." Jack said. "Hey! Your going to go, are we're all going to be happy about it!" Leo ordered. "I'm just happy we aren't staying in Kenny's house. Their TV doesn't even have color." Ellie said.

...

"And here we are." Leo said. "I hate this place." Jack said. "Hey! Where's Rachael?" Joel asked. "She doesn't get here until ten." Leo said. "It is ten." Jack said. "Until Ten in the afternoon." Leo corrected. "So how do we get in?" Ellie asked. "I have a key." Leo said. The moment he opened the door, Ellie rushed in and grabbed the TV remote off of a table. "I missed color TV so much!" Ellie said. When she used it, nothing happened. "That's the DVR remote." Jack said. Ellie looked at the many remotes on the table. "Which on is the TV remote?" She asked.

"I'm going to take a nap or something." Leo said. Joel entered the kitchen, and opened the fridge. "Hey, there's no beer in here!" Joel said. "Good, because your not supposed to be drinking!" Leo yelled. Ellie turned the TV on. "Aw man. None of the stations are on the same channels. Not even the the news!" Ellie said. "You have fun figuring out the channels." Jack said.

"Wait! You were here before. You know the channels right?" Ellie asked. "Yeah." Jack said. "Help me find something to watch." Ellie said. "No." Jack said. "Why are you always so mean around Christmas time? It's fucking Christmas!" Ellie said. "I hate Christmas." Jack said. "Hate Christmas? You mean like Scrooge?" Ellie asked. "I already saw that movie. I hated it." Jack said. "Why are you such a dick?" Ellie asked. Jack ignored her.

...

Ellie fell off the couch, waking her up. "Ow! Fucking hell!" She decided to go eat cereal. As she was eating it, while continuing her original goal, she noticed all there bags were moved. She went to see Jack, to try and convince him to help her, only to find that Jack wasn't in the house. "Dad! Where is Jack?" Ellie asked. Leo looked at her confused. "What Do you mean?" Leo asked. "Where is he?" She asked. "I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't." Leonard said. A kid older than Jack walks into the room. "Who is that?" Ellie asked. "Haha. Hilarious." The kid said sarcastically. "Seriously, who is he?" Ellie repeated.

"Incase when you fell off the couch, you lost memory or something, that is your other brother Troy." Joel said. Troy began watching Terrance and Phillip. "Can we watch something else." Ellie asked. "No." Troy said. "Why?" Ellie asked. "You want to change it, just take the remote." Troy said. "That's not really fair, since I don't know any of the channels." Ellie said. Ellie see's her uncle Miles in another room. "Ok, something is wrong." Ellie said. "What do you mean?" Leo asked. "Troy is supposed to missing, Jack is supposed to be here, and uncle Miles is supposed to be in prison." She said.

"No, I was nearly framed by that fatass Cartman." Miles said. "You almost got framed by a nine year old?" Ellie asked. "Nine year old? The fat bastard is older than me!" Miles said. "She thought you were talking about Eric Cartman from South Park." Troy said. "Oh. Ohh. Ohhh." Miles said. "I think she may have hit her head too hard." Joel said, sipping from some beer can he apparently found. "Your not supposed to have beer!" Ellie said. "I can drink beer, cause I'm a century old." Joel said. "No, there isn't supposed to be any beer here! Something is messed up!" Ellie said. Suddenly, time froze.

"I go through work to change the timestream, so you aren't a threat and yet, you regain your memories to do so. You are becoming more than a nuisance." A deep voice said. "Who the hell are you?" Ellie asked. "I don't need you knowing more than you already do." The voice said. She got sent to an empty room. "What the hell?" Ellie said. She began walking around the place.

...

Eventually, she found some black hooded boy. "Who are you?" Ellie asked. "I was supposed to stop some kid from stealing some kind of advanced high tech gauntlet with dangerous powers." The kid explained. "And what happened?" Ellie asked. "I underestimated him. Because of my failire to recognize what he was capable of, he now can change time itself. He left me in this place, which exists outside of time and reality. Trapped here, to think about my failure for an eternity." He said. "Why am I here?" Ellie asked. "He altered time to nullify every future threat to him. You probably posed some kind of threat to his plan regardless of what he did." The kid said.

"I can assume it's by remembering some stuff from before he changed everything." Ellie said. "Probably. The only other person who's memoried weren't effect was Kenny McCormick, but he didn't consider him a threat. Probably because he kept dying." The kid said. "Is there a way out of here?" Ellie asked. "It's a space of infinite emptiness. I used to have time travel tech that could help, but he took it from me." The kid said. "So we can't do anything?" Ellie asked. "Technically I can't. But I have a trick up my sleeve." The kid said. A hologram appeared.

"I can't send my self out of here, at least not without literally losing mind. But I can send your mind in my body while I do it." The kid said. "What do I need to do?" Ellie asked. "Your being sent in my body to the point when he arrived. You have to stop him then." The kid said. "How am I supposed to stop him?" Ellie asked. "You need to recreate the timeline that you remember. It's a good thing he didn't think putting every threat to his plans in one place was a bad idea." The kid said. He began glowing. "We will meet again." The kid said.

...

Ellie fell into dumpster in the body of the kid she met earlier. "Ow! God damn it!" Ellie yelled. "She climbed out and fell onto the ground. "Ow! Fuck!" She yelled. She saw her reflection in a puddle in front of her, and remembered she was now in the kid's body. "This feels kinda wierd." She said. She finally got up. "How am I supposed to stop the guy?" Ellie asked herself. The hologram popped up. "I believe that is where I am supposed to help you." The hologram said. "What the hell?" Ellie asked. "I am a cybernetic implant your head. More accurately, the head of the body you are borrowing." The hologram said.

"Ok. So what do I do?" Ellie asked. "You need to go to the location where he first altered the timestream. That would be your house in South Park, Colorado." The hologram said. "Why there?" Ellie asked. "Most of the people who threaten his plans either live there, or are children of people who are or will live there." The hologram said. "Ok. So what do I fix first?" Ellie asked.

...

"Why are we at Cartman's house?" Ellie asked. "The timeline was altered to prevent Eric Cartman from being born." The hologram said. "You sure we can't leave him?" Ellie asked. "Eric Cartman has to be born. If Eric Cartman does not become the most disliked person in South Park other than Phillip Pirrup and Leopoldt Stotch, This will lead to it being Cylde Donovan. If this happens to Cylde Donovan, he will become a worse person than Eric Cartman, and an ally of our enemy." The hologram said. "Somehow, I doubt that is possible." Ellie said. "Slight changes can lead to bigger ones." The hologram said.

"What do I have to do?" Ellie said. "Leave this invitation to the 12th annual drunken barn dance. The rest should solve itself." The hologram said, teleporting an invitation to them. "What year are we in?" Ellie asked. "We are currently about ten years before you were removed from time." The hologram said. Ellie left the invitation. "So where next?" Ellie asked. "The home of Kenneth McCormick. We need to leave an invite to the cult of Chtulu. Just tell them that they serve free beer, the rest will solve itself." The hologram said.

...

After correcting instances in which prevented Kenny, Kyle, and Stan from being in South Park by sending there parents to various locations, Ellie now had to correct Jack's existence. She entered her a house she didn't recognize. "I whose house is this?" Ellie asked. "It is yours. This is where your family lived in a time before you were born." The hologram said. "Cool. What do I have to do here?" Ellie asked. "It's more complicated than the other tasks. You need to make sure your mother disappears." The hologram said. "Why?" Ellie asked. "Her disappearence influences the rest of your family. They know nothing of why, and devote years to finding out why. This is part of why you don't know Troy in your timeline." The hologram explained.

Ellie got knocked into a car. "You don't know when to quit. I don't know how you escaped, but I put you in the Void once, and I can do it again. I know all you too well for you to beat me." The guy with the deep voice was back. And apparently was a kid the same age as the one Ellie found in the Void, as the deep voiced kid called it. His gauntlet/claw thing began glowing. It created a vortex which began pulling Ellie away from him. She grabbed the gauntlet/claw and pulled it off his arm. She put it on, and used it to stop the vortex.

"Impossible! Unless...You switched minds with Henderson. Clever. That must be how you escaped. Well, I won't make the same mistake twice." The kid said."You won't get the chance." Ellie said, punching him in the face. "With the Claw, I can reset time to before it was used." The hologram said. "Doesn't that mean this will happen again?" Ellie asked. "No. The past will be reset, but the future has certainly changed. To make sure, he will be left in the Void, outside of space and time, to prevent him from doing this again." The hologram said. "Good, because I feel really tired." Ellie said, before passing out.

...

Ellie woke up on the couch. She could not tell if any of what happened was a dream or not. When Ellie turned on the TV, she decided to put the TV on the only channel she recognized at the time. It was running a Terrence and Phillip marathon. "I thought you hated that show." Leonard said. "I still do, but this is the only channel I recognize. I guess it's all I have to watch." Ellie said.


	12. Christmas rant

Me: The Christmas special. Well, half of it. Joel and Leo show up in the other.

Miles Henderson: Uh, anon...Anoni...Anonymous Fanz... Does not own... any South Park...Car...Characters...mentioned in the...story. He only owns...My family. *passes put*

Me: someone had to much alcohol.

...

Jack walks into the kitchen to get lunch. "Hey! Are there any cookies or something? I haven't had any since the house got destroyed." Ellie said. "Yeah." Jack said. "Can you get me some?" Ellie asked. "No." Jack said. "What?! Why?" Ellie asked. Jack walked over to a table, carrying a sandwich. "Why are you always a dick on Christmas?" Ellie asked. "It started several years ago." Jack said.

...

_Five years ago, at the end of a normal school day._

_"Kyle, you can't go to the Christmas party. Your a Jew!" Cartman said. "What's going on?" I asked. "Kyle says he's going to the Christmas Party next week, but he can't, because he's a Jew." Cartman answered. "So?" I asked. "Jew's don't celebrate Christmas." Cartman said. "Why?" I asked. "Because we don't believe in Christ." Kyle said. "So? I don't believe in Christ, but I celebrate Christmas every year." I said. "That doesn't make any sense." Cartman said. "Isn't Christmas about giving to others?" I asked. "No!" Both answered. __"It's about receiving." Cartman said. "No, it's about the conceiving of Christ." Kyle said. "Ok, now you guys are just making me really confused." I said. Kyle and Cartman began arguing what Christmas was about. _

...

"And that's why you hate Christmas?" Ellie asked. "No. Let me finish my story!" Jack yelled.

...

_We started asking other people what Christmas was about. "Butters, wha do you think is Christmas about?" Cartman asked. "Uh, well I think Christmas is about giving to others." Butters said. "What are you talking about? Christmas is about the conceiving of Jesus Christ." Some guy from the Church said. "No, it's about getting gifts!" Grandpa yelled. "I thought it was about being together with your family." Some woman said. And the n people started gathering, arguing over the meaning of Christmas. Eventually, the police came to stop them from hurting people. "Alright, everyone calm down! W__hat are you all arguing about!" Dad yelled._

_"They don't realize Christmas is about the conceiving of Christ." One guy said. People started arguing again. "What?! Your arguing over the meaning of Christmas? Incase you haven't realized, some people don't celebrate Christmas, and celebrate some other holidays. Like the Jews with Chanukah. It doesn't matter if some one is celebrating for different reasons for you. What matters is that you both respect each other's beliefs, and don't try to force them on each other. That's why the saying Happy Holidays exists. So you can say the same thing to people, no matter what they belie__ve in." Dad said. _

_"So what is Christmas about?" I asked. "It's about three things. The birth of Christ, family, and giving to others." Leonard said. "Aw, god damn it!" Cartman said. "What?" Dad asked. "He was the only one who was wrong." I said._

_..._

"I still don't understand." Ellie said. "I don't like Christmas, because it doesn't have any true meaning. Everyone is getting excited and celebrating for the wrong reasons. It's not because of the meaning of a holiday. It's just because of what they DO on that holiday." Jack said. "Wait, isn't that the same thing as Halloween?" Ellie asked. "Yeah. Except Halloween people don't make a big deal about Halloween." Jack said.


	13. Christmas time

Me: I'm not done with Christmas yet. I should warn you, if you haven't read the chapter "Christmas timeparadox", this chapter may not make sense. I'm warning you because only one person read it.

Troy Henderson: Anonymous Famz doesn't own anything except my family. Yeah. Can I get my money now.

...

"There is so much wrong with Santa. First of all, his name is remixed from SATAN. Second, I'm pretty sure he rapes kids in their sleep. Third, he basically breaks into people's homes, which is illegal. Fourth—" Ellie fell asleep while Jack was ranting about Christmas. Leonard returned, with Rachael Henderson. "Jack! You've grown bigger since I last saw you." Rachael said. "I grow bigger every day. That goes with out saying." Jack said. "Yeah, he does this every Christmas." Leonard said. "Well, tommorrow, we're opening presents, so I hope you sleep well." Rachael said.

...

Jack woke up, to see a The kid Ellie met in the Void, but he was now transparent.. "Who the hell are you, and why are you here?" Jack asked. "Yeah, I'm here to try and help you stop being a dick every Christmas of your life." He said. "Nope! I'm not doing this." Jack said. "What?" The other kid asked. "Charles Dickens "a Christmas Carol". Next thing I know, the three Ghosts of Christmas are going to be here." Jack said. "No. This is different." The kid said. "How?" Jack asked.

"Well first, I came from the future, not the past. You don't know who I am, unlike that other guy, the one that knew Scrooge. I don't remember that part of the story well." The kid said. "Don't care." Jack said. "Second, I'm not a ghost. Third, I can't take you through time, because time laws don't work that way." The kid said. "I don't care." Jack said. "Let's just go." The kid said.

...

He teleported them to a police station. "Why are we here?" Jack asked. "Look over there. Your uncle is being released. He was arrested because his car was used by some other guy to rob a bank." The kid said. "How does that lead to an arrest?" Jack asked. "Racheal sued the crap out of them, because they had no evidence he was involved in the crime. And an investigation by the FBI later showed that his car was used by one of his friends, not Miles himself, leaving him no direct link to the crime." The kid said. "So I'm going to see Miles tommorow morning?" Jack asked. "Well, closer to the afternoon. He has to buy some presents first." The kid said.

...

Jack was now at a post office, somewhere. A kid wearing an orange hooded jacket had three presents shipped to Jack's old house. "Who is that?" Jack asked. "Troy Henderson. Your older brother." He said. Jack attempted to run to him, but he was grabbed by the other kid, then they teleported to the remains of his old home's basement. "What the hell?!" Jack yelled. "If you spoke to him, you could cause some changes in the timeline that you may regret. Troy has to remain lost for a reason." The kid said. "Fuck you...Who ever you are." Jack said. "Jacob. My name is Jacob." He said.

"I don't care!" Jack said. "Your just dragging me all over the place, for what? Why are you doing this? Why is it so important to you that I don't hate Christmas?" Jack asked. "I can't tell you because it involves future stuff, but it is important. I mean really important! I'm trying to stop something from happening." Jacob said. "This is another reason I hate Christmas. Everyone expects me to suddenly 'be a nice person' for a few days. I don't get why? Why?!" Jack said. "I give up. There's nothing I can do to change mind." Jacob said.

...

Jack woke up. The first thing he did was go eat cereal. "Jack, you are probably the only person on the planet that doesn't open their presents, first thing in the morning." Ellie said. "I don't care." Jack said. "Now that Jack's here, I can open them right?" Ellie asked. "Wait until he's done with his cereal first." Leo said. As soon as Jack was done, Ellie began ripping open her presents. Someone began knocking on the door. "Who is it?" Leo asked. "I'm back." Miles said. "Miles? What the hell?" Leo asked. "They released him, because he was proven not guilty." Rachael said. "Why didn't you tell me?" Leo asked. "Because I wanted it to be a surprise." She said.

"I also bought some presents. Cost me a lot of money." Miles said. "Where did you get money?" Leo asked. "Rachael sued the crap out of some police officers because they arrested me with any evidence linking me directly to the crime." Miles said. "I could use some right now. My house was wrecked last thanksgiving. I'm stuck renting a garage belonging to some poor family that makes money off poorer people renting said garage." Leo said. "Sure, I can give you some, but I used most of it on the presents. I got twenty-something dollars or so left." Miles said.

"Why don't I ever get cool stuff." Ellie asked. "If I got a Christmas list like I usually do each year, I would have been able to help you with that." Miles said. "All he got was stuff from the list I sent him last year." Jack explained. "Well the important part is that we're all here as a family." Leo said. "Dad, can you take a photo of us all together?" Miles asked. "Sure." Joel said. He was given a camera, which he began messing with as soon as it was in his hands. "Press the big button to take the picture." Miles said.

Joel just pressed it. "Your supposed to wait until we say cheese." Rachael said. "Don't tell me how to take a photo. If you wanted it done right, you should have taken it yourself." Joel said. "Cheese!" Joel took the photo again. "Well that looks much better." Leo said. "Except Jack isn't smiling." Rachael said. "He's a lost cause. Don't bother him." Leo said. "Yeah. I've been trying for almost ten years. It's a waste of time." Miles said. As everyone left, Jack grabbed the photo. And for the first time For as long as he could remember, he smiled.


	14. Don't bet on satan

Me: It's time to celebrate Eric Cartman's birthday!

Cartman: Kickass! Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for the Hendersons.

Me: I also have a new image of Jack for this story up.

Cartman: Why isn't it an image of meah!

Me: because everyone knows what you look like.

...

"Here you go, Kyle...And here's yours, Stan..." Eric said. "What is this, Cartman?" Kyle asked. "They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend." Cartman explained. "Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?" Stan asked. "Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu-bubu-birthday..." Cartman said. "Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever." Kyle said. "That's right!" Cartman said. "Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fatass, too." Stan said.

"That's ri—AYE!" Cartman yelled. "Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation." Pip said. "Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation—Oh! I remember!" Eric said. "I shoved it up my ass! Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!" Cartman said. "Here's yours, Wendy...and here's yours, Clyde..."

"Children, children! Today is a very special day." Mr. Garrison said. "Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate...uh—uh, what's your name again?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Damian." The kid said, fire literally in his eyes. "Say 'hi' to Damien! And where are you from, Damien?" Mr. Garrison asked. "The seventh layer of hell!" Damien said. "Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama." Damian jumped onto Mr. Garrison's desk, so he could kick a apple off of it.

"My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!" Damien said. "Your father?" Mr. Garrison asked. "The Prince of Darkness!" Damien said. "Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era." Mr. Garrison said. "This town get's wierder everyday." Jack said. "Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass..." Mr. Garrison said. "Ugh. I wish something would happen." Ellie said.

"Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?" Cartman asked. "Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of—" Damien said. "Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?" Cartman said. Damien flipped Cartman's desk, and threw it out the window. With his mind. "Whoa dude!" Stan said. "Holy crap!" Jack said. "Damn, what a freak!" Kyle said. "Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!" Cartman said. "Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye." Damien said. "Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?" Mr. Garrison asked. Ellie began laughing.

...

"Holy crap!" Jack yelled. "What happened? I fell asleep!" Ellie said. "Damien turned Kenny into a Beaver-Duck thing!" Cylde said. "A platypus." Jack said. "Crap. That sucks." Ellie said. "Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!" Damien yells, as he send stuff flying all over the place. "Hey, my milk!" Jack yells. "Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!" Damien said. "Aw crap." Jack said.

...

Ellie, Cylde, and Wendy are gathered by Cartman so he can explain something. "Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Choopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... he-uh, will be given by Jack, who is now invited." Cartman explained. "Jack! Come here!" Ellie yells.

"What?" He asks. "You have been invited to my Birthday party, because Kenny was turned into a duck-billed platypus." Cartman said. "Oh, that's cool." Jack said. "I need you to buy the Mega Man beach house, as my present." Cartman said. "Um, ok. Why is it covered in brown stuff?" Jack asked. "oh, it used to be Pip's." Cartman said. "Sick dude!" Jack threw it on the floor. "Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!" Damien said. "Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought. Right here in South Park!" Jesus said. "I knew something like this would happen." Jack said.

...

"Who will win our souls? Our Savior and Lord? Or the Prince of Darkness? It's the final battle between Good and Evil and it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95" Leonard began grabbed as much money as he could. "Dad! The final battle between good and evil is about to happen! Get all your money!" He yelled.

...

"How long until Satan shows up!" Leonard asked. "Did the Devil show up yet?" Stan asked. "Yes. Which is why I JUST FUCKING ASKED HOW LONG UNTIL HE DOES!" Leonard yelled. "Leo! Where the fuck did you learn that language?!" Joel said. "You." Leonard said. "Hey, Jesus! I-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?" Kyle asked. "What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?" Jesus asked. "Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish." Cartman said. "Oh." Jesus said. "We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince." Jimbo said. "Not me, I'm waiting for Satan to show up, before I decide who to vote on." Leonard said.

"Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation." Jesus said. "I don't have faith. I'm an atheist." Leonard said. "Behold. The Evil One approaches." Jesus said. "Holy poop on a stick!" Mr. Garrison said. "Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!" Satan said. "Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge." Stan said. "Well, there goes my vote." Leonard said. "Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!" Satan said. "O-oh yeah?" Jesus asked. "I don't doubt it." Joel said. "I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee." Satan said. "Oh yeah?" Jesus asked.

Satan stepped on a scale. "Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz." Jesus stepped on that scale. "Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz." The announcer said. "Ooh crap!" Joel—I mean, Chef said. "Aw, come on! I weigh more than that." Jesus said. "I doubt that." Leonard said. "Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world." Satan said before leaving. "I'm going to go vote for Satan now." Leonard said.

...

"Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar—" Jesus said. "Aw crap." Joel said. "I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning. In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!" Jesus said. "You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!" Father Maxine said. "Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!" Jesus said. "Hey, at least I didn't change my vote. It was Satan as soon as I made it!" Leonard said. "I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win." Jesus said. "The only way that would happen is...if...Wait a minute, I'll be back!" Leonard said.

...

"Hey, I want to change my vote." Leonard said. "Why? You voted for Satan." The bookie said. "I think the fight may be rigged." Leonard said. "Well, ok. It's your money." The bookie said.

...

"Dad! Wake up! We need to get to Cartman's party!" Ellie yelled. "Wait, what time is it?" Leonard asked. "7 AM. We need to hurry, You'be been sleeping here since yesterday after you brought us back from school." Ellie said. "What? That can't be right because I left to change my— Oh crap! I didn't change my vote!" Leonard left without his kids. "Aw crap. Well, guess Grandpa will have to drive." Ellie said.

...

"Ellie, Jack, welcome. Please leave your presents on the left." Cartman said. "Ok, bye." Jack said, before walking back into the car. "Where are you going?" Eric asked. "I don't want to miss the fight. And since I was only invited for my present, I assume you won't mind if I leave for what I expect to be a short fight." Jack said. "Huh. You make a very good point." Eric said.

...

"Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles." The referee said. "Grandpa, if you could drive better, we would have gotten here sooner." Jack said, as he entered. "Shut the FUCK up Leonard! I mean Jack. Fuck!" Joel said.

...

"Hey! What the hell do you think You're doing here?" Cartman asked, as Damien and pip arrived. "Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid." Stan said. "And neither were you, Pip!" Kyle said. "Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but—" Pip said. "Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party." Damien opened a portal to hell. A demon flys out and carries Pip into the sky. "That was the greatest thing I've ever seen, since that one time from before when Pip was arround." Ellie said. "Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien." Kyle said. "Yeah. Come on in and join the party." Cartman said.

...

"Why isn't Jesus hitting back? He's not even trying. I can't believe somebody voted for him." Joel said. "That guy must have ALOT of faith." Jack said.

...

"Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy. Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega—Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?" Cartman was, very obviously, angry. "It's a game, dude. It's really fun." Kyle said. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman jumped on him. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP!"

"They were all out of 'em dude!" Kyle said. "I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!" Cartman yelled. Ellie began taking as much food as possible. "That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home! GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!" Cartman yelled. Ellie ran off with as much food as she could stuff into her pockets and mouth._  
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...

"Satan's just toying with him. Why won't he fight!" Joel said. "Hey look! Your friends are here. Maybe they can get him to stop being a fucking punching bag!" Joel said. When the next round starts, Jesus dodges Satan's fists, then punches him. Satan just falls over, and stays down. "That seemed to anticlimactic." Jack said, "The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!" Satan got up.

"Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!" Mr. Garrison said. "Aw crap!" Joel said. "Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win? Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!" Satan said. "Hey, tell my Dad I said Hi!" Joel yelled. "Man, would it suck to be someone who voted on Satan right now." Jack said.

...

"I need to change my vote now!" Leonard said. "Sorry but it's too late." The bookie said. "What!? Too late?!" Leonard asked. "The fight is over. Jesus won. Satan threw the fight." The bookie said. "Aw crap! Now I just lost most of my money!" Leonard said. "What are you talking about? You changed your vote to Jesus." The bookie said. "What?" He asked. He then realized he was so drunk when he changed his vote, he didn't even remember doing it. "Wait a minute! I'm rich! I can rebuild my house. Hell, I could build a newer, better one!" Leonard later wasted pretty much all of his money on the second option.


End file.
